Welcome to Good Hurts!

Good Hurts is dedicated to the best hurts on Earth: spicy foods.
I'm Russell. I teach English, write poetry, but most importantly, I am a spice aficionado and I dedicate myself to categorizing, reviewing, and torturing myself with the spiciest foods and sauces this great world has to offer, all so you can know about the most brutal, benevolent, and best bangs for your buck. Email me at hotfreakrussell@gmail.com


Enjoy, and feel the burn.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Amana Colony's "Mean Jean's Hot Sauce": In quaint, historic Amana, there lies an average hot sauce


The historic Amana Colonies in Middle Amana, Iowa are home to an old (founded in 1854), closed German society. Like many Amish or Mennonite communities, their connection to the outside world was commerce...buying and selling their own wares and, well, ingredients to make their own wares. 
Flash forwards to 2009. It's a cute little tourist community. There are walls packed with baked goods, jams and jellies, cheese, and wine. And yes, there is hot sauce. This one is made by "Mean Jean" (Jean = a quint German woman, not the famed pro wrestling announcer.

Let's look at the facts: In a community where they make beer, wine, cheese, jams, jellies, candy, fudge, and countless other items, I was really surprised by the generic, factory-manufactured flavor and feel to this green pepper/jalapeno based sauce. Should you head into their general stores, enjoy the fact that they make hot sauce, but it's probably best to leave it within the comforts of its own closed society of mediocre foods.

Good Hurts: While I found it exciting to buy a hot sauce from this unsuspecting general store, "Mean Jean's" disappointed me. The bottle (and I can only trust the bottle; the actual website is just a general grocery store page) says it contains jalapeno pepper, habanero powder, and capsicum. I was pretty excited for a surprising shock, but this sauce is like a thicker, more gelled green salsa with only the slightest wimper of a spicy kick.

Flavor: It tastes slightly above average, with little notes of sweetness and jalapeno-ish herbs you might get in a salsa verde. However, Mean Jean's has a ton of ingredients, many of which have their hands in the pockets of science's sinister labcoat. Sodium Benzoate? Bisulfate? Polysorbate 80? FD&C blue #1? I think most hot sauces fanatics would frown on so many artificial colors and preservatives. The texture is also syrupy and needs to be refrigerated, which doesn't make it horrible, but subtracts points. It's also surprisingly bitter and subtly medical tasting. It says on the bottle that they use sweet onions AND cane sugar...where did those go? If simplicity is bliss, you're far from it here.

Availability: If you live in the middle of nowhere in Iowa, you're in luck! Amana colonies is only 100 miles away in any direction! Unless you order the stuff from their online grocery store, you'd be hard pressed to find this sauce anywhere outside of the formally Lutheran commune. It's probably best left there.

Good for: This is another drawback of this sauce; why smother your pizza or nachos in this palsy excuse for a hot sauce when you can get a fresh Mexican salsa verde anywhere easily? Smooth, syrupy texture vs. chunky, fresh salsa is the only read difference between this hot sauce and what composes a standard, mild green salsa.


My Review:
Heat: 1/2 star
Flavor: ** 
My Review: 4.0/10


This sauce may be rare, but that doesn't make it good. The other Amana Colony sauce I purchased is much, much more interesting.

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