Queen of Farts: Live the medieval war between sweet and salty

If you love blasting violent explosions out of your ass, you might want to just cut out the hot sauce middle man and do what the lowliest lifeforms on Earth do.  For the rest of us, there's Queen of Farts, a goofy sauce whose silly name and bottle art may deter normals from understanding the complex war of flavors happening under the innocent plastic cap. Is this Queen worth bowing down to? Will she ever learn to control herself?

Let's look at the facts: The second I found this sauce, I said to my girlfriend, "I bet a goofy guy in a pepper Hawaiian shirt made this sauce." True pepperheads can see each other in our fiery dreams. Sure enough, friendly CaJohn of Columbus, Ohio states: "CaJohns is about getting together with friends and family, enjoying great stories and lots of laughter over some delicious fiery food. We hope our hot sauces and fiery foods help you make your gatherings even more fun!" If you're not interested in swapping stories of lives and times in the gaseous monarchy, CaJohns makes tons of cool looking sauces for true pepperheads. It's refreshing to see such a down home business with such variety. Clearly, Queen of Farts is about fun, plain and simple. Funny name, funny bottle. Niche market. I found the sauce in an "As Seen on TV" store. It's a funny stocking stuffer or gag sauce for the hot freak in your life, but I believe there's more beneath the surface. Combinations of some of my favorite hot sauce traits are all under one cap, but they battle each other a bit more than they may need to.

Good Hurts: This sauce promises a "gentle heat, enjoyable for everyone." This is one of the sauce's highest points. It's not too hot, so even though it's clearly made for hot sauce aficionados, friends and family can gather round and sample it without worrying about severe face peeling or ass blorting. It's a comparable heat to a big gulp O Tabasco sauce. Hey, the world only needs a handful of things like Blair's 10000 skrillion reserves or Pure Cap.

Flavor: Like many wars between feudal kingdoms, this hot sauce's polarized flavors constantly try to scale one another's moats and co-opt their territories. Papaya, guava, pineapple, passion fruit, and banana. Lemon, passion, and guava fruit juices. There's no reason this sauce shouldn't be the sweetest heat in all ye lande. However, the savory armies of salt, garlic, white vinegar, and, leading the charge, curry, put up a formidable fight against insurmountable odds. In between this war is the fair maiden habanero. Curry is the most powerful flavor, so you get a little sweetness after what tastes like a yellow curry. However, it's not the tropical blast it probably could be. So much fruit is hidden by the thick armor of vinegar, salt, and curry. It's a hybrid of the Babysauce and Curry Fire made by the Peppermaster, but the two don't seem to blend as naturally as mere mortals may dream.

Availability: CaJohn's good ol' website has this sauce and more at your beckon call. But guess what?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!? This sauce has Christmas miracle-like distribution. Novelty stores and As-Seen-on-TV/gourmet chef stores. If you can find a food-friendly outlet store, you might get lucky and find this sauce.

Good for: I think it's best with rice dishes, since it seems very curry like. And the curry is good! But it's not the sweet treat you might think it is. Indian food, especially yellow curry, would work with this sauce, too.

Review:

Heat: *

Flavor: ***

My Review: 6.9/10

It's a tasty curry sauce, but this Queen may need to lighten up on the farts and "let them eat fruits."

Tabasco Sauce: A special Christmas review of the All-American hot sauce

New Years is a time to reflect upon one's year; recognizing flaws you want to fix and new ground you want to cover often paints the landscape of the start of another all-too-short 365 days. 2009 was a good year for Good Hurts. It started! Sauces were eaten. (A) Reviewer(s) went to bed sore-stomached and smiley-faced after long nights of sampling. But Good Hurts has missions:
-To become the definitive hot sauce review site.
-To develop our own special blend of 10/10 sauces.
-To sign a hit TV show deal (hopefully right before Jersey Shore comes on...can't miss a second of Snooki's foppish antics).
Most important of all:
-To remain completist, never elitist.

In keeping with the spirit of America's favorite holiday, Christmas (besides, perhaps, the Superbowl, or Thirsty Thursday), Good Hurts prepares for a great 2010 with the hot sauce that defines a nation: Tabasco.

Tabasco sauce is a watery, light red Louisiana style sauce. That means big vinegar, Tabasco/cayanne peppers, and salt, salt, salt. And after vowing many times not to review sauces like this, why do they keep showing up on Good Hurts? Here's why: Tabasco has transcended the pantheon of excellent hot sauces; it's traversed the hierarchy hall of hottness. Tabasco has become an iconic hot sauce clearly symbolic of the American dream, intertwined more with our values, history, and  consumer culture than it is a regular ol' hot sauce from Lo'sianna.

Let's Look at the Facts: I can't rewrite their mind-blowing history page...I just don't have the time or web design doller$. But you really should check it out. Long story short: The McIlhenny Company started making the hot sauce in 1886 to spice up the reconstruction South's bland food (haha, it's never too late to rise again. -Ed.) Edmund McIlhenny, a banker, aged his Avery Island, LA crushed red peppers in a "mash" with salt. After 30 days in crockery jars, the mash was mixed with French white wine vinegar (they use distilled white vinegar like most Louisiana sauces now) and aged for another 30 days. Boom! Tabasco sauce, the first major commercial hot sauce, was born. Please note the ties to the class-rising, multi-chance American dream of finding passion in unconventional places between the hardscrabble lines of life in our free-market democracy. Paul McIlhenny, the 6th in a line of McIlhenny company presidents and Avery Island residents, runs the company today. But beyond the mild heat and tangy flavor lies the secret of its success: unmatched longevity and drive to be the best...perhaps it isn't the hottest or best tasting, but it's everywhere and it worked hard to get there. It's the story of so many American business juggernauts: a website designed to look young, fresh, and like a vibrant concert also contains a long section about the antiquated tradition and steadfast adherence to unchanging recipes and business values. Like Coca Cola, Tabasco pioneered an entire food industry and has reinvented itself again and again to change with the times. They build their image in the long shadow of their own American mystique: a family with dreams, land to cultivate, and traditional beliefs. Most importantly, Tabasco is everywhere. Like any die-hard capitalist company, Tabasco slaps their name and product any and everywhere, as a great way to learn about something is repetition, repetition, repetition. If you're reading this site, you have probably eaten Tabasco sauce.

Good Hurts: It's actually spicier than you might assume. Even the most cynical and stone-hearted of pepper freaks can dump gallons of the sauce on a single bite of food and get a back-of-the-throat heat. This humble editor must admit that the main reason for this review is a Christmas with my girlfriend's mom, who doesn't keep any hot sauce in the house. Yet my heart grew three sizes when I poured a generous puddle onto a single corn chip and could feel the burn I've nursed in my mortal mouth since I founded this site. Is it as hot as the killer world of death running the hot sauce niche today? No way. But it is a hot sauce! There IS a heat.

Flavor: Tabasco is really tangy. I actually think that its flavor has a lot in common with its place in the legendary lore of American foods. The proud USA is still a tad over 230 years old, having split from the Brits who colonized our country. Notice that those Brits can't get enough of vinegar and salty foods...from Fish n' Chips to Marmite and Vegemite,  salt and vinegar go hand and hand. Here in the USA, McIlhenny developed a sauce down south with a comparable vinegar tang that pairs well with the mild sweetness of cayanne pepper and fresh Avery Island salt. While the image and ubiqitousness have huge hands in the Tabasco brand, flavor--and ties to down-home Louisiana, Southern spice, and stringent, painstaking hand-crafted tenderness--is just as important. This is America's loud answer to salty foods across the pond: tangy zings and spicy exclamation points, even if they aren't hot enough for true hot freaks.

Availability: This is probably the first and only time I'll ever say this: This sauce is available everywhere. Grocery stores. Gourmets. Gas Stations. Restaurants (I've even seen it in some dumpy Chinese joints). This sauce is literally everywhere. The hot sauce world's answer to Coca-Cola is cheap and easy. They even developed their own little hierarchy of various flavors and online-exclusive "special reserves." Because Tabasco is older than any person on Earth and has been successful for longer than most political regimes are in place, their name will always lend itself well to the masses. According to their website, "Tabasco" is a word of "Mexican Indian origin believed to mean 'place where the soil is humid' or 'place of the coral or oyster shell.'" For many, "Tabasco" means "hot sauce."

Good for: Tabasco originated something I think is a brilliant concept: it says that it's good on everything and actually lists all the foods it's good for. Pizza, salads, eggs, subs, steak, chili...the list goes on and on. You can even download recipes using the sauce onto your ipod. Topical! As a card-carrying spice beast, I have to say that this sauce is remarkably good for everything because of its generalist nature; not too hot, not too tangy, not too salty, not too sweet. I prefer to diversify, adding different hot sauces to different foods, but I would never turn down the salty zing of Tabasco on my eggs. This sauce is made for regular Americans by not-so-regular Americans working and living on Avery Island who'd probably like you to believe they're down-home folks just like yourself. They are actually factory workers and CEOs.

Review:
Heat: *3/4
Flavor: **3/4
My Review: 5.5

As a poet, I can compare Tabasco hot sauce to Walt Whitman. I hated him growing up! I hated him as a poet obsessed with the avant-garde! But as I matured as a man, I began to understand the significance of Whitman's place in poetry. His "collective consciousness" and lesson-like stream of realizations was instrumental in the development of the poet's creative, off-the-cuff comprehension and analytical approach to writing and the world. Tabasco's collective consciousness appeals to the little part of EVERYONE that loves spice, but some of our little parts are actually pretty big.

Merry Christmas from Good Hurts!

Love, the Good Hurts editorial team: Russell (content writer, editor, spice-eater, sauce-aficionado) and Becky (video editor, stock footage master)!

Nando's Chickenland Hot Peri-Peri Sauce (and some others): Savor the flavor that outweighs the sauce

I'm a big Twin Peaks fan. I was hooked from the very intro to the first episode, when Pete Martell, a fisherman, finds the washed up body of well known Twin Peaks high school student, prom queen, and mystery-woman extraordinaire Laura Palmer washed up on the beach wrapped in plastic in the small (fictional) Washington town the show is named for.

What's the significance? That lifeless body leads into a world of mystery, murder, motives, and the metaphysical like you wouldn't believe.
What's the point of this? Nando's Chickenland sauces remind me of Twin Peaks, in a way. A huge box of sauce arrived at the top-secret Good Hurts hot sauce cavern miles beneath the Earth's crust. Inside was Nando's Hot Peri-Peri Sauce (regular and Garlic flavor) and a slew of cooking sauces. Is Nando's Chickenland Hot Peri-Peri Sauce culinary murder? No, but it's the weakest sauce in a box of delicious flavors. Take or leave the hot sauce; Nando's has some die-hard followers, but their cooking sauces might just be worth the hype.

Let's look at the facts: Nando's is a huge mega-company with over 700 locations worldwide. Look at some of these locations. Unless you have the internet, you probably won't find too many restaurants selling their hot sauces in Cyprus or Botswana. However, they only have 2 restaurants here in the land of the free. They have a die-hard fan base in the UK; after reading over some reviews on Amazon, I wasn't surprised. The hot sauce is very salty, but their cooking sauces are sweet and robust, flavorful and the perfect accentuation to various foods. I'll talk about some of them along with the review of the first hot sauce!

Good Hurts: This sauce is not very hot, plain and simple. It has a very slight tangy spice to it. Like many low-heat hot sauces, it kind of rolls around in your throat. There are some little chunks of peri-peri peppers, African birds eyes peppers valued for their spice and delicious flavor. I think that heat is a bit lost in the thickness of the sauce; the other sauces I got, cooking sauces, aren't hot at all. These are sauces meant for savoring flavor and cooking with.

Flavor: I think, again, the flavor of this hot sauce is a little too salty. I think it tastes a little chalky, but not inedible. It reminds me of some Trappey's sauces. Before I get into that, however, let me introduce this new friend:

This Sun-Dried Tomato and Basil marinade tastes like a rich, slightly spicy pizza sauce. It's the best thing in the world for pasta and salads. Astoundingly, this sauce made of African ingredients is ideal for Italian food. Now, please direct your attention to this brand new pal:

This is the Roasted Reds Cooking Sauce, which is its own unique meal for the whole family (or just me). Cut up some veggies, cook some rice, and enjoy the heat and flavor of this roasted red pepper amalgam. It's a delicious mix of naturally smooth red peppers and a mild heat. This sauce could take the place of a curry or an Indian/Chinese food sauce; it's the kind of thing that, with the right meats and veggies, could really make a meal. I mean, it's called Chickenland...add some chicken!
Am I trying to swerve away from the hot sauce? Not really. I just think it's really important to say that while I don't like the hot sauce enough to gush about it, I think their cooking sauces are really, really amazing and must-buys for any do-it-yourself chef!


Availability: Warning: DO NOT view this website if you can't handle loads of animation or you're really, really high on drugs. Nando's makes a hot sauce that might not be above the cusp, but their cooking sauces are really, really incredible. If you're an international Good Hurts reader, look up your nearest Nando's locale. If you're in NY or Washington DC, you can probably find a restaurant around somewhere. For the rest of us, the website will have to do as the global takeover silently envelops our homes like the blankets of snow effortlessly tumbling down on this Iowa City hot sauce reviewer's home.

Good for: I think this hot sauce has the Brits excited because it's salty; they seem to like salty stuff over there. I don't think it's flavorful or hot enough to really go far here. The Sun-Dried Tomato and Basil Marinade would go great on Chicken, salad, or pasta. I might even put some on steak or fish. The Roasted Reds cooking sauce is ideal if you're a big fan of Earthy, down-home bell pepper flavor stir frys filled with chicken and veggies.

Review(s)
Nando's Chickenland Hot Peri-Peri Sauce:
Heat: *
Flavor: *
My Review: 4.0


I'm not reviewing the cooking sauces as hot sauce, BUT:
Sun-Dried Tomato and Basil Marinade:
My Review: 8.1


Roasted Reds Cooking Sauce:
My Review: 8.9

The hot sauce has some die-hard fans, but this reviewers says that the cooking sauces are really what's special.

Peppermaster Pepper Fire: Third sauce not necessarily the charm

The Peppermaster's third sauce in the trifecta of delicious gourmet sauces I'll be reviewing is the weakest of the three, but still a damn good sauce, first of all.  Don't be fooled by the "fusion" label; the one I have is called Pepper Fire. Simple name, but surprisingly the least simple sauce of the three.

Let's look at the facts: There IS a hot sauce universe, and, of course, it's filled with nebulous galaxies. One galaxy is the realm of the Peppermaster, filled with exotic planets and asteroids of goat pepper goodness. If the master himself is at the center, I think of Babysauce as the closest planet in orbit, sweet and warm. I'd call the far-east inspired Curry Fire far out in orbit, filled with a sharper spice and unique flavor. In the middle is Pepper Fire. It's not quite sweet, not quiet savory...it's more garlicy. Not very spicy, but more garlic-spiced. It seems like garlic has overwhelmed some of the ingredients, but what you get is still yummy and definitely worth eating.

Good Hurts: It has a more unique type of spice than its bigger and littler brothers. The Curry Spice hits you right away and lingers; the Babysauce trickles in and stays with you. This sauce builds up over a few bites, stings, and fades quickly. It reminds me of the kind of spice garlic gives you if you eat a clove (or 10, like I like to). A lot the ingredients are exciting, but they get a bit in the way of the fresh heat of a goat pepper.

Flavor: Exciting is the right word, and I already said that. But just look at the bottle: pineapple. Fresh lime juice. Molasses! That should be really exciting right there, but it's all just a little lost in the galactic churn of the garlic. The slow drawl of the molasses, combined with the lime juice, sort of tastes like a more savory cola flavor. This isn't a bad thing...just less sweet and robust and more salty and garlicy. 

Availability: Same as the last two. Here's the site. You know what to do. I'll leave you to it.

Good for: I think, like the Key West Lime hot sauce I good hurt-ed earlier, this would make a solid marinade for beef or chicken. The little tiny bit of sweet, garlic, and sort of salty cola notes would go really well with the smoke of a summer grill and your favorite meat. I think it's a little to heavy for just chips, and might overpower a lot of salsas. A little garlic, after all, goes a long way.

My Review:
Heat: *3/4
Flavor: ***
My Review: 7.0/10

Not the best of the three sauces, but definitely worth eating, buying, and snuggling up with during any season, on any planet.

SNOWED IN

JPGfun.com

Peppermaster Mango Fire: Babysauce

Another near-instant classic by Quebec's Peppermaster Greg Brooks, but in a starkly different way. Does this sweet (sweet, sweet, sweet) sauce measure up to its Indian counterpart, Curry Fire?


Let's look at the facts: You already know everything you need to know about Peppermaster foods and their amazing ability to create some of the best, most flavorful sauces out there. Their website paints an interesting picture:
Finally, the all-natural table topper you've been waiting for: Mango Table Topper is the perfect condiment for the kitchen or restaurant table: Stable enough to not require refrigeration. You'll never go back to that other brand. Designed by the Peppermaster to deliver crisp heat and refined fresh flavours that enhance many global dishes. This is real pepper!
 Table Topper? Never go back to that hot sauce? The throws of spice addiction are thick as lasso ropes...I doubt any pepperhead would ditch their regular sauce for what I have christened "Babysauce." But it IS an interesting take on a fruit hot sauce, and it's remarkably good!

This is a cute baby. Say hello. In the world of hot sauce, it's Peppermaster Mango Fire. Why? Let's look at the facts: Babies are cute. Babies are sweet and silly. Babies are innocent. Babies are little bundles of joy that are blissfully, wonderfully unaware of the cold, harsh, vicious world around them that they'll grow into. Why, it's just like Mango Fire! Outrageously sweet, a tiny bit spicy (as if still learning), and unaware of the painful world of hot sauce it has, through no fault of its own, entered.

I also think "Babysauce" sounds better than "baby sauce."

Good hurts: Babysauce is not the wimpiest sauce out there; in fact, it's hotter than Cholula and pretty much any Tabasco-style sauce commercially available. It's burn is a low murmer; it's like a baby version of a serious hot sauce. It will give you a lil' tongue tingle, but the teeny-tiny heat is probably pretty serious for novice spice eaters. Again, Peppermaster is rockin' the goat peppers, but not to the extent of the Curry or Pepper Fire sauces. 

Flavor: I'm a big fan of the American version of "The Office." There's an episode where Michael (Steve Carrell's doddering, incompetent boss role) waits in line to get a hot pretzel and ends up getting the works: 18 different sugary toppings, from crushed peppermint to caramel drizzle to sprinkles to powdered sugar. Babysauce works on a similar principle: cane sugar, mango, pineapple, citric acid and lime juice. Also, sea salt, habanero peppers, and onions stand like wallflowers around the sugary dance floor. Amazingly, this sauce has 1 gram of sugar per serving! It's a Christmas miracle for sure. Babysauce tastes just like the yellow/orange sweet n' sour sauce at many Chinese restaurants, but it has a well-rounded halo of spice that follows each bite. It's also really, really syrupy, so be careful when pouring. One unifying factor I can think of that keeps everything on Earth connected is sugar. Animals love it. People love it. Plants...well, they make it, so they probably love it too. Everything loves sugar, including me. So by default, I love this sauce. I found half the bottle gone almost immediately, and my face and hands dyed a mysterious orange color.


Availability: What I said about Curry Fire applies here...go ahead and order it from their site.

Good for: Like the Cheech Mango, this sugary delight is good for fruit salsas, fish, rice, and livening up Chinese food or sweet meats. Mango is a remarkable fruit, sweet and juicy, and the slight hint of sea salt makes it more utilitarian. I really recommend taking whatever prior knowledge you have culinary use of mangoes and expanding it to this hot sauce.

Review:
Heat: **
Flavor: ****1/2
My Review: 8.6/10

Babysauce isn't for everyone. In fact, this review may be controversial for some hot freaks. But I stand by the fact that sweet n' savory goes a long way, so grab your babydaddy and down a bottle of Babysauce right now.

Peppermaster Curry Fire: One of the best from unsuspecting Quebec.

When I think hot sauce, a few places come to mind: the spice-crazy Caribbean  islands; the "spice belt" of Southwestern American states filled with hardcore hotheads; the downright satanic levels of spice rockin' India. Yet in a little place called Quebec, north of the USA and just south of the brutal Canadian tundra, there is some of the best, must-eat hot sauce any hot freak must know about. For the next three days, I'll be examining three humble gourmet sauces from Peppermaster foods.

Let's look at the facts: Memorize this face:

 THIS is the intimidating smile of a true pepper master! This is the hat of a flavor expert! This is a hot sauce maker who speaks at least two languages!
Peppermaster foods, the brainchild of Greg Brooks, has been cranking out goatpepper hot sauces since 2003. Besides being the executive chef of Apple Tree Landing Restaurant, Greg is a fire expert who grew up in the jungles the Bahamas and acquired a taste for searing spice and top-notch flavor. Goat peppers, habanero cultivars, are the central point of Curry Fire sauce. What a sauce it is! Full of spice and flavor...AND the reverse side of the bottle is in French (or should that be the reverse side is in English?)! Unique and delicious is a great combination.
  
Good Hurts: The tropical goat pepper lets loose a throat tickling, mouth busting burn. It's almost the perfect level of heat: hot enough for even jaded chili-brains, but tasty enough to completely change (most likely for the better) a meal. This sauce, though Canadian, is rife with the essence of India: curry spices mesh perfectly with the hot peppers into a thick, rich sauce. It won't kill you; it's slightly less hot than the habanero/ghost pepper organic sauce division, but it certainly will knock you around as spice builds bite after bite. The best part about it is the lingering, sharp spice that other hot sauces can't keep alive for long enough.

Flavor: It's a welcome (and needed) addition to the acidic and vinegar-y world of hot sauce. Rich, sweet-hot Indian spices, sugar, onion, ginger, thyme, guar gum (for thickness), and fresh hot peppers come together masterfully. Imagine the aromatic sweetness of creamy, fresh yellow curry, filled with savory, juicy veggies. Somehow, Brooks has crammed that flavor into a hot sauce using fresh, fair-trade ingredients. It's so unique and so simple: the perfect one-two punch.

Availability: This sauce is, according to the website, available commercially in the US and Canada. You can order it from their home page, obviously, as well. Where it's located is something I just can't answer; haven't seen it anywhere. They use the same (fun looking) label for their sauces, so make sure you read and make sure you're getting the right sauce! However, it needs to be mentioned that they will make special hot sauces for you! Design the label and name, and all they do (!) is make it for you! It's a good idea for promotional gifts and fun personalized stuff.

Good for: This amazing sauce is a must have for Indian food, rice, naan, and can add an Eastern kick to pretty much anything delicious: chili, salads...yes, I have put some on hot dogs. Think Indian chili dogs: kidney beans, onions, spicy mustard, and thick helpings of this sauce! The sky is the limit for such a unique-yet-versatile mastery of yellow curry.


Review:
Heat: ***3/4
Flavor: *****
My Review: 9.8/10

It's the holidays. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Diwali, or just want to tip your straw hat to the Peppermaster, order this sauce. I'm not gettin' paid from them...I'm just a hot freak who loves a great hot sauce. Don't delay: order it now!

Good Hurts heats up MySpace!

Yes, nearly a decade after MySpace became really popular, Good Hurts has caught up!
Check out the XXXXXtra hot MySpace page:
http://www.myspace.com/511079361

Of course, add us as your super pals, and invite us over for the Holidays. We'll bring the sauce. You print out the fancy invitations.

Green Bandit Basil Serrano: Secret Sauce for Surprising Snacks

Good Hurts is the name of the site, but real good hurts include anything that hurts good. As an English teacher, my natural instinct not to explore the definition using the same terms reversed, but it's just plain true. Good Hurts, however, dedicates itself to the taste-oriented world of "good." No, you won't see any good hurts on this site like getting pleasure out of a vicious spanking, but you WILL see a wider variety of hot, spicy, and painful treats beyond the average hot sauces we've come to know and accept.
Green Bandit's Basil Serrano hot sauce is, well, a sauce that's hot. But is it a hot sauce as we've come to define hot sauces? This bizarre sauce lurks in secret shadows behind your taste buds like the no-good varmint on the label. But is it worth challenging to a duel?


Let's look at the facts: Made in sunny Fairfield, NJ, Green Bandit Basil Serrano is proudly "stolen from a secret family recipe." The bottle even includes a fun story about how the hot sauce artisan's dad earned the nickname "Raging Abe" because he stole his hot sauce recipe. Then he asks, "can I come home now, dad? Be creative and try it on everything!" Choice words...less so about furious father everywhere and more so about trying this sauce on everything. How right he is!

Good hurts: For formatting sakes, I'll put this first and THEN flavor. But flavor really comes before everything here. Yes, it's hot. It doesn't have the kind of lingering kick or burn that most hot sauces have, though, even though it uses habanero peppers; the Serrano pepper is a lot more full-bodied and juicy than a habanero, and gives you more of a fresh sting than a long tongue scorching burn. This sauce is all about the kick it has. Not a big one, but more than you'd find in a typical dressing or vinaigrette, which this sauce resembles.

Flavor: This sauce is two things: weird as the wild west and delicious.
It's weird because it's a green sauce, which means it's filled with all kinds of herbs and spices and is usually pretty good for vegetables. However, apple cider vinegar, serrano peppers, lemon juice, olive oil, and the all-important basil are a lot of acidic flavors you won't find in most hot sauces. The ginger hints are subtly significant, and you may find yourself licking your fingers after consuming. This thin, basil-chunked sauce feels light and tangy, which leads to point number two: it's interesting blend of zesty, garden fresh flavor makes it able to go places other hot sauces can't. Unless you're a total hot freakomatic, you aren't going to put Dave's on salads or pesto pasta. Yet Green Bandit can sneak into unsuspecting, surprising foods. This "hot sauce" is a lot more like a spicy salad dressing or vinaigrette. It might belong more in your condiment section of the fridge or spice rack than hot sauce collection!


Availability: Like I've found with most hot sauces on Good Hurts, it's easy to find on the internet and available in hot sauce stores. However, I say to you: demand this sauce! Grocery stores would be remiss for not acknowledging a hot sauce with the power to blast a salad and fresh veggies (or even more acidic fruits!)

Good for: This is the first sauce I've eaten that I think is designed with salads in mind. Whether it's simple greens, tuna, chicken (or chicken salad), or tortilla, I think this tart sauce is meant to accompany savory greens and lighty sweet fruits. It won't leave you rolling on the floor burning, but will add an emphatic kick to your healthier meals.

Review:
Heat: **
Flavor: ****
My Review: 7/8/10

This unique sauce isn't quite versatile enough to pour on chips or burritos...and it's a bit on the watery side. It is, however, unconventional, bold, and brave. And it's a very good (light) hurt.

Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve: A reserve for the rest of us

Ah, yes. The world of "reserves." Whether it's music, booze, gourmet foods, or anything, really, when you slap "reserve" on it, it just gives it that special tingle of joining a secret club or being told a really juicy secret. Hot sauce companies know all about double secret reverse special reserves. Dave's, Blair's, and some of the biggest and baddest companies out there make special reserves, promising outrageous levels of spice and even more outrageous prices. Even Tabasco got in on the reserve action, selling hyper-pricey bottles of their special "Avery Island" reserve sauce.  Melinda's Hot Sauce, run by the Figueroa Brothers, have tossed their hat into the not-enough-for-everyone-only-those-with-a-big-wad-of-bills game, making a reserve that's bountiful enough for everyone!

Let's look at the facts: Their website claims: From time to time, optimal growing conditions can produce Habanero crops that yield extremely fiery chiles, Melinda's ages these select chiles to make our new XXXXtra Hot Reserve. It is made with the same fine ingredients present in our famous Original Habanero Recipe. This is the hottest Melinda's. Limited Quantities available. Luckily for us, the growing conditions were just right to get plenty out to gourmet stores and in massive quantities online! Sow hat makes it a reserve sauce? Here's my checklist:

 -Special gold emblem proclaiming the hot sauce's "Special Reserve" status and year (a la fine wine [2009])? Check.

-All aboard the natural foods bandwagon? Check.

-Party stopper*? Check.

*I call this devilish contraption a "party stopper." It's a little plastic ring you put over your hot sauce bottle to prevent people from pouring out too much. In fact, it adds a twinge of restrictive elitism; this stopper prevents the buying from pouring out too much sauce at once, subtly enforcing the idea that the sauce is so hot and special that you only need a little. For true pepperheads, this is the equivalent of a palsy one-slice limit at a great pizza party.

Good Hurts: It's got a good, solid habanero burn. Probably too much for the average person, but hey, this sauce is RESERVE! Only the golden may touch the spice. Honestly, it's a solid heat that will do you proud on food and lingering on your tongue, bite after bite. Habaneros are obviously (if you read this site as much as I hope you do) a reoccurring theme in hot sauce, naturally hot as hell and dependable for heat.

Flavor: The best part of this reserve sauce, special or no, is the fact that it uses all natural ingredients and vegetables as its base. No coloring, no science-gums; nothing but carrots, onions, lime juice, garlic, and the usual suspects: vinegar and peppers. You can really taste the carrots and salty garlic. There are hot habanero (and ghost pepper sauces) with less ingredients that taste even better, however. As far as regular people go, this sauce really is something special. The acid and veggies work together here well enough for everyone.

Availability: I'm a huge pro wrestling fan, so work with me, if you will. The WWE has three separate shows with three seperate rosters: Raw, Smackdown, and ECW.  Raw and Smackdown have the biggest stars, the top belts, and the most exposure. ECW is on Syfy, the former Science Fiction channel, and has the smallest amount of viewers. It also has its own title, which is really cool, but less exposed and prestigious than the WWE or World Heavyweight titles on Raw and Smackdown, respectively. Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve is the ECW title of reserve hot sauce. It tastes good, has a solid heat, and is available in gourmet and specialty grocery stores. Blair's 3 AM and Dave's Special Reserve are REALLY expensive and hard to find, but deadly hot. This is a special reserve, but cheap and easy to find in many places.

Good on: The flavor is a little too veggie-heavy and garlicy, I think, for a lot of different cuisines. Mexican is a must, and salsa-livening is suggested. Basically, if it's a standard item you'd put hot sauce on, Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve is for you.

My Review:

Heat: ***3/4

Flavor: ***1/2

My Review: 7.6/10

For a reserve for the rest, don't shy away from Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve, the hottest of the Melinda's brand.

"Meanie Sauce: A Taste to Fear": Far from the Main Event

Alright, alright...I know I said I wouldn't review more Louisiana style hot sauce, filled to capacity with vinegar and tabasco peppers, but this hot sauce couldn't escape my radar. As a die-hard professional wrestling fan, I couldn't resist something featuring ECW original Blue Meanie. And as a lover of all things hot, I had to see if this habanero-based sauce could push the paradigm of generic Louisiana sauce into a new arena. Does it soar to the Main Event? Or will it remain a novelty curtain jerker in a world of hardcore hot sauce?

Let's Look at the Facts: Brian Heffron, AKA The Blue Meanie, is a comedy wrestler known for his chunky white frame, cut-off t shirts, bright blue hair and beard, and drawn-on thick glasses.

Who wouldn't trust this man to decide what they put in their bodies? He moonsaulted (top rope backflip) from the dingy, overcrowded tiny venues of Extreme Championship Wrestling to the mega-arenas of the then-WWF throughout the mid to late 90s. The 2000s were a little slower for the Meanie in the ring, as he bounded back for cameo appearances in the dying ECW and then briefly back to WWE. However, the 90s saw Meanie venture into the hot sauce world...or at least his likeness did. Released by Hot Sauce Factory, this sauce has the simplicity and novelty to make it worth trying, but the tired convention to count it out from the great match of flavor.


Good Hurts: Because this sauce uses hanaberos, you can be sure it edges out most watery red sauces in terms of heat. For hot freaks, it's too little. For the rest, it's a decent level of spiky heat that will trump a regular Louisiana sauce any day of the week.


Flavor: The habanero has an odd sweetness, but you won't taste it here. The garlic and salt are pretty much all you can taste. It's also quite watery, and they've added vegetable gum to sort of thicken it up, but without it it would be a little glass bottle o' water. Is it a taste to fear? If you have a problem with a big cup of ocean water and some slightly-off tasting garlic, then yes, it is a taste to fear. It honestly isn't awful. I wouldn't blame the Meanie for this one...I would blame the world of Louisiana novelty sauces that are easy to make and even easier to slap a picture on. Hot freaks know to maneuver around these sauces, and you should, too.

Availability: Relatively obscure. Lots of websites have it, and any novelty hot sauce store will, too. Don't be afraid to step in the ring with Hot Sauce Factory to order it right from the maker, either.

Good for: As with most sauces like this, I say dump it liberally on subs and pizza. If you like drowning your food in this type of sauce, you can kick up the spice with a hint of garlic right here. I usually dump some in a pot of chili, usually. Usually. That's the thing...the overall "usual" nature of this sauce is just a little to "eh" for someone like the ECW original, the Blue Meanie.

Review:
Heat: **3/4
Flavor: **
My Review: 3.7/10

Unless you're a member of the Blue World Order, an ECW die hard looking for all things hardcore, or a member of the Meanie's immediate family, I say avoid giving your taste buds a pinfall or submission loss to this disappointing sauce.

Good Hurts Video Kaboom: Trip to Atomic Blast Sauces

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy a spicy holiday with Russell and The Godfather!

Two Flaming Arrows Hot Sauce: All American, All Natural!

The immortal question posited by legendary rock band The Shaggs was "who are parents?" In their case, "parents are the ones who really care." But in my case, parents are the ones who bring you back fresh, all-natural hot sauce from their trip to New Mexico. The bottle says that it's for BRAVE people, but it is brave enough to run the Good Hurts gauntlet and survive?


Let's look at the facts: Made by Navajo run Nizhoni Keyah, Inc foods (and just in time for Thanksgiving!-Russell), Two Flaming Arrows prides itself on its bold Southwest roots, images, and flavors.
Their website drops you right into its rich depiction of its territory:

Imagine a vast expanse of desert terrain, where yucca, cedar, and cottonwood trees dot the

deep red sedimentary rock and golden multi-colored sandstone mesas stand in deep contrast

against the sky.

That is exactly where you are when you take a taste of "PFS" Salsa & Sauces for our Food

products are traditionally inspired and uniquely Southwest!

Like many of our favorite hot sauces, one company owns another, which owns another, etc. PFS stands for Pueblo Food Specialties, a special branch of Nizhoni Keyah dedicated to the best in the Southwest: salsa and the hot stuff.


Good Hurts: Forget Custer, trade whiskey, and man-eating cacti. What would the Southwest be without its legendary spice? This is a really great hot sauce for the above average man. While it's an average heat for real hot freaks, it leaves a lingering, lip tingling heat that will never disappoint. The magic lies in the combination of vibrant red chili powder, pequin peppers (a must for Mexican picante hot sauces), and habanero powder. But the real place the arrows nail the target is on flavor.

Flavor: Ah, yes. For a flavor as bright and thick as Adobe walls, you can't miss this New Mexico must. Orange juice, flavorful cayenne peppers, honey, tomato, and garlic leave you with a traditional garden-of-vegetable sauce without the kidney punching saltiness of too much vinegar. Best of all, the ingredients are fresh and delicious. It's a well-rounded tomato flavor, sort of like a (Southwest) chili, which overpowers some of those sweeter ingredients. Don't be expecting a tropical fruity blast (or small explosion) in this one.


Availability: Their website humbly requests that you "Give the Gift of the First Americans." However, just because it's Thanksgiving doesn't mean this sauce will ever be out of season. This sauce is New Mexican made, proudly, and is available throughout hot sauce emporiums in the state. Of course, their website has plenty for the rest of us.


Good for: One thing about this sauce is that it's proud of the fact that it won't tear a hole in your stomach or remove industrial driveway stains (oooh, burn, Dave's!), but this sauce is really good for snack foods and, in this reviewer's opinion, chicken salads, burritos, chili rellenos, and other flavorful Mexican dishes. If you have some New Mexican food handy, you better marry it to some New Mexican authentic goodness.


Review:
Heat: **1/2
Flavor: ***3/4
My Review: 8.7

This is a really great American sauce that is made my Braves, claims to be for the brave, and bravely stands behind its natural flavor and pleasant heat. This is for sure a New Mexican treat.

Cheech Mojo Mango Habanero Hot Sauce: Up in Sweet

Richard "Cheech" Marin made a name for himself with his stoney comedy and pie-faced, grunting Mexican immigrant character, but has long since traded his rolling papers and doobie truck for the expensive rustle of Hollywood TV scripts and the comforts of the golf cart. The omnipresent, clef-lipped face of Hispanic stoner humor has plastered it on this Costa Rican (!) hot sauce, but is it worth the association? This hot sauce reviewer says yes, but don't get too excited about a knock-your-socks-off hot sauce. This is way more sweet than heat.

Let's look at the facts: Who are the mysterious Figueroa Brothers (Inc.)? What do they want? And what is with their corporate-speak laden website, filled with smiling faces, easy-on-the-eyes colors, and dozens of hot sauces distributed from their Dallas, TX HQ?
Greg P. Figueroa, CEO, and David O. Figueroa, Jr. are two men with big, big dreams: while this hot sauce is (overall) tasty and enjoyable, their website provides insight for a deep rabbit hole...these men may very well be the ones to introduce the fiery habanero pepper to mainstream American mouths. This novelty hot sauce from Costa Rica bears a Cheech Marin likeness, but lacks the smoked-out hempy flavor it's namesake probably tastes like. Like the Figueroa Brothers' master plan of top-level hot sauce contendership (they're basically already there), this sauce is accessible but could push their proud habanero a bit more.

Good Hurts: This hot sauce has a little bit of a spike to each bite based on the habanero flakes and flavor in each bottle. However, that heat dissipates fast because the sauce is thick and sweet, quickly bursting with a citrus syrup and overwhelming the hots. For regular folks, this hot sauce might do the trick if they're in the mood for a hot sauce devoid of any salt or vinegar, but for seasoned hot sauce vets, this mango sauce might not be worth the the trip beyond Cheech's smiling face on the outside of the bottle.

Flavor: A thick syrup, this yellow sauce has the fantastic aroma of ripe mangos and sweet habanero chilies. The lack of salt flavor is a welcome edition to the hot sauce world, but the carrots, onion, and tomato paste that the ingredients mention are all but vanished against the slow, thick wall of lemon and citrus. The flavor, like a sweet chewing gum, is quick and intense but vanishes fairly quickly. An interesting sauce for sure, but it's sweetness might be a bit overpowering for some traditional hot sauce welcoming foods.

Availability: While this gimmicked sauce is easy to find online, it's really walking into precarious territory. It's made, undoubtedly, for fans of Cheech and Chong and their oft-hilarious munchies. It's not a necessity for anyone; the Figueroa Brothers know that, too. Melinda's is their main breadwinner, more easily available, and less goofy.

Good for: This sauce might not mesh well with beef tacos or burritos, and definately not anything with a rich tomato or cream sauce. This is the kind of sauce that clashes with other sauces...imagine putting sweet n' sour sauce a burrito suizo covered in cheese and tomato sauce. It's designed for munchies, perhaps, but that doesn't mean normals can't enjoy it too. Fresh fruit salsa would welcome this mango sauce, as would fish dishes and salads. Be ready for a mango mission if you want to eat this sauce.

Review:
Heat: **

Flavor:***3/4
My Review: 7.5/10

The Figueroa Brothers understand that when it comes to hot sauce distribution, many fingers in many pies means more flavors for more hot freaks. This sauce might be novelty in spirit, but the Texas brothers understand to that build a great hot sauce empire, you need foot soldiers in every nook and cranny of the battlefield.

Russell vs. the Brick Lane Curry House Phaal Curry Challenge

Yes, Adam Richman of Man vs. Food is a hot freak for life. If he wasn't, why would he murder his precious innards by challenging the most brutal curry in the USA? Using a deadly blend of peppers. the fearsome Phaal needs to be prepared by a gas mask wearing chef and requires a waver to be signed before it is ordered.
So of course, I had to eat it.

 

 

 

 

After braving the crushing, overwhelming, nose-smashing, throat roasting spice (and taking the worst photo of myself in the history of image capturing devices), I reached the final bite. With all my American pride, I mustered my muster and reached one last glob of curry and one forkful of rice to my lips. It was so momentous that I had to record the very last bite before I flipped the kill-switch!

What challenge would be complete without a shoutout to my online all-acceptance, no-rejection poetry journal, O Sweet Flowery Roses? Yes, there was a time before Good Hurts dominated my internet use.

Sgt. Pepper's El Chipotle Picante Pumpkin: It's flavor season!

On my spiritual journey to Mason City, IA's Atomic Blast Hot Sauces, I picked up this sauce when the owner, Dan the Godfather, suggested it after I requested some more unique hot sauces packed with flavor. I was not disappointed; when you're good to the Godfather, sure enough, he's good to you. This little gem comes from Sgt. Pepper's out of Austin, TX, where they like to keep it weird. Sure enough, the mad blend of sweet and savory spices, pumpkin, and cider vinegar is the pinnacle of mad genius and what makes me love what I do (well, what I do for free in between teaching, eating, and sleeping).

Let's look at the facts: Sgt. Pepper's is, despite the low level of heat, a true hot freak's hot sauce; made in the back of the Tears of Joy hot sauce shop, it's a true "American Dream" hot sauce: one man (J.P. Hayes), one commercial kitchen, and one mission: flavor and heat...not just the hot freaks, but the foodies in all of us. I can safely say that this is one of my favorite hot sauces ever. After plowing through a bottle in about a day, I can only urge you to gather your tired, your hungry, your poor stomachs and taste buds yearning to be free of the vinegar tang too commonly tied to hot sauce and let flavor ring!

Good Hurts: This sauce isn't meant to melt your skull down the back of your throat, but make no mistake about it: this velvety smooth blend of southwest and sweet spices is a hot sauce through and through. It leaves a sort of a low murmur of spice accentuated by the fact that this sauce is meant to be eaten bite after bite, again and again. Chipotle peppers in Adobo sauce (actually a blend of onion, vinegar, garlic, tomato paste/sauce that helps the chipotle stay flavorful in a can) are usually pretty serious on their own, but some of the more exciting ingrediants like pumpkin, garlic, and cinnemon actually cool down the heat a bit.

Flavor: Pumpkin is, of course, one of fall's best flavors. This sauce, however, is made for every day, all year round. The rich, picante flavor of smokey chipotle pepper, onion, cumin, and garlic perfectly marries the sweet cinnemon, pumpkin puree, and apple cider vinegar. This sauce is, in a way, like Thanksgiving in a bottle: sweet and savory combined in one bottle that is packed to capacity with mouth-watering flavor. I've never tasted a sauce so delcious that I felt could go on so many foods. Not to sweet, not too salty, but just right; Sgt. Pepper's has clearly earned its rank as a true commander of hot sauce.

Availability: I had to know where this sauce came from and where I could get it. I found it at a hot sauce store in Iowa City, where they offer other unique flavors, like Tejas Tears and Blackberry Balsamic. The Tears of Joy website can help you out, but many other online hot sauce sellers have it too. If you're in Austin, don't just enjoy the music...live the sauce. If you can't find the sauce, demand it!

Good for: The sky is the limit with a sweet, smokey, spicy, savory sauce like this. Slather it on corn chips, tacos, burritos, or any traditional Mexican or Tex-Mex food. Add some fall flair to salsa or marinade. This sauce is aware of its amazing range...they recommend putting it on cheesecake! Sure enough, it was a real winner. Ice cream, too. This sauce is a must have because it adds new dimensions of variety to the world of hot sauce. This sauce may use pumpkin, but it really is the sauce of all seasons.

Review:
Heat: **
Flavor: *****
My Review: 9.7/10

This hot sauce is a must have because it adds new dimensions of versitility to a market overcrowded with sauces described with words like "death," "insane," or "inferno." A thousand bottles of those sauces come and go, but Sgt. Pepper's Pumpkin Picante is one in a lifetime.

Key West Key Lime Hot Sauce: Set sail for meat island on a tide of marinade!

This rare sauce surfs the back currents of the internet sauce community waiting to be found. With a compass on the cover, is this sweet, thick lime hot sauce worth discovering? Ahoy; it be delicious.

Let's look at the facts:  Hot Shots Hot Sauce is the island of hot freaks; bring your tired, your hungry, your bizarre, your crazy hots...they will distribute them. Its mystery shrouded in origin, this sauce claims to be "straight from the keys," though its overlord distributor, Hot Shots, operates out of Charlotte, NC. While its humble beginnings may be unclear, its flavor and sweet-hot is definitely clear.

Good Hurts: This sauce has a spicy lil' linger that does what sweet heat does best: step out of the way of taste but work hard enough to support it. It's like the bass player in the band; sure, it may not have the most on-stage bravado, but its magnetic hum will make sure you're moving. Not hot enough to make you plow through the ceiling, but definitely leaves you a spicy splash.

Flavor: The chunkier texture and use of key lime juice and fesh lime zest come tearing through in every drop. Flavorful, moderately spicy serrano chilis and apple cider vinegar (such a great substitute for regular vinegar in typical hot sauces) mix with ancho chilis and roasted garlic for a combination that eats more like a marinade than a hot sauce. Oh yes, it tastes quite good, and you'll be licking your fingers for sure. However, the peppery, garlicy sweetness would really compliment beef or chicken on the grill, or maybe even shrimps. Bottom line is that this sauce was meant to elope on a romantic Key West cruise with its love partner, Meaty Meat.


Availability: You're gonna have to find it on Hot Shots or some of the other hot sauce web page, unless you're ready for a deeply meaningful sojourn deep into the hot sauce canals of the American food subculture (AKA driving out to remote hot sauce emporiums) to find this one. But is that really a bad thing? Yes, this sauce is yummy and keeps me wanting more. But the chili flavor and heat is definitely standing behind, not next to or in front of, the citrus, garlic, cumin, and apple 4 horsemen of the taste-pocalypse.

Good for: From one grill fanatic to another, this is a grilling sauce. Slather it on ribs, steaks, pork chops, salmon...the sky is the limit, as long as the sky is filled with meat. The sweetness and fine chunks of garlic and lime in a velvety, chinese-food-sweet-sauce-like consistency won't match the variety hot sauce has with things like chips, crackers, noodles, pizza...this sauce won't upset you when paired with those things, but it will overpower, not mesh with already delicious flavors.

Review:
Heat: **
Flavor: ****
My Review: 7.1/10

Get this sauce and proceed to marinate everything in sight.

Good Hurts Video Kaboom: Trip to Los Portales, spice capital of Iowa City

Grace Scotch Bonnet Sauce: One of Jamaica's best exports.

Immediately below is my review of Grace's Hot Pepper Sauce, which ranked in at a tragic 2.6. This sauce, however, blows its baby brother away with a raw, firey world of Scotch Bonnet flavor. This is about as basic as you can get, though it does seem to straddle the line a bit between hot sauce and condiment. When the sweet (Jamaican) smoke is cleared, however, this is not only a hot sauce, but a great hot sauce that's made to be enjoyed.

Let's look at the facts: I already said a lot about Scotch Bonnets in my last review of Grace Foods and their hot sauce lost in an overwhelming list of products. Scotch Bonnets are relatives of habaneros, but if habaneros are the serious, hard working pepper plugged into so many independant American hot sauces, Scotch Bonnets are their laid-back island cousin, just as hot but more relaxed and sweeter towards the worlds of spice and flavor. Scotch Bonnets would rather look silly and taste tropical than merely kill you with spice. This sauce, a colorful yellow, is Grace's best condiment by a long shot. The simple mashing of Scotch Bonnets (with some slight flavor accentuators) really captures the heat of the islands and flavor of a solid hot sauce.

Good Hurts: In the description on their website, Grace promises a challenge. "Add a drop or two to food for a truely serious pepper experience," it claims, though hot freaks may need to up this number by a few shakes of the bottle. This sauce does have a minor tropical blast (which you can see a major version of in my Dave's video) which won't floor you at once, but provides a long lingering burn cycle that will continue as long as you keep eating the sauce (well, duh, I guess). You will, however, still be able to taste your food-- a plus in a world of dangerous, murderous sauces lurking around every corner. It's hot enough to hang with some of the bad boys, but the flavor outshines the heat in the end.

Flavor: This is where the sauce gets unique. Sweet, rich, hot, and delicious, this sauce will absolutely not dissappoint. The double-punch of cane vinegar and cane sugar/citric acid give the sauce fruity tropical hints and a tangy, acidic flavor. The sauce becomes tricky when you factor in the fact that it contains modified starch and ascorbic acid. These ingrediants thicken the sauce, gelling it a bit so that it seems like crushed peppers in a sauce the consistancy of a heavier BBQ sauce. This is not a bad thing at all, but be prepared to feel like you're eating a hot sauce masquerading as a thick condiment. Flavor is spot on, but consistancy is a bit unnatural for a traditional hot sauce.

Availability: Like its little brother, the plain ol' Grace hot sauce, this sauce will show up where there are Caribbean folk to enjoy it. Grace seems to be a major supplier of groceries in the islands and that carries over to this country. Big cities (particularly NYC) are a good bet, as well as, of course, on the Grace Foods website.

Good for: I love this sauce on cold pizza and pizza crust. However, because it has such a bright, sunshine taste, I think it can replace/accentuate Caribbean dishes which tend to use jerk spice (also made from Scotch Bonnets). If you have a sandwich with sweeter ingrediants, this sauce is for you. If you have a mango or pineapple salsa, this sauce is a must-have tag team partner.

Review:
Heat: ***
Flavor: ****
My Review: 8.4/10

Skip anything else from Grace with the words "hot" or "sauce" in the title. This simple crushed Scotch Bonnet blend is bliss.

Grace Hot Pepper Sauce: Not Jamaica's best export.

Grace Foods proudly wraps itself in a blanket of of Caribbean pride. And why not? Producing foods from their central location in Kingston, Jamaica, Grace promises "Genuine Caribbean Taste, Enjoyed Worldwide." They have a heavy double edged sword to carry, however; on the one hand, Jamaica's climate makes it ideal for growing some of the hottest, sweetest, craziest peppers know to man. On the other, Grace Foods doesn't have its heart and mind in hot sauce, but rather spread thin across a wide selection of typical grocery items; it seems that without a strong focus on hot sauce, this "very hot" sauce falls very flat.

Let's look at the facts: Scotch Bonnet peppers are a cultivar of the habanero. A cultivar is a plant that has been given a unique name based on unique characteristics but is still part of a specific family. Pepperheads may know this, and also know that it usually runs between 100,000 and 350,000 Scoville units. That killer heat comes fresh from the Caribbean islands, where the pepper's unique sweet heat gives flavor to many traditional dishes from the area. These tropical goodies have nothing to do with their namesake dark, rainy Scotland; they actually get their name from their odd resemblance to Tam O'Shanter hats. Never wear a Scotch Bonnet on your head. Grace's "very hot" hot sauce claims that it has peppers, cane vinegar, water, and salt...yet the bottle has a bounty of Scotch Bonnet peppers bedazzling it with their bright colors and promise of serious burn. Do not believe this filthy lie! Grace Foods is far more interested in making mediocre foods for the masses than concentrating on a really great hot sauce for, well, hot sauce lovers.

Good Hurts: None here. This runny sauce is almost a carbon copy of Tabassco, which will get no love here on Good Hurts. The spice is a wimpy drop in a salty, watery bucket. Very conventional, very boring, and, unfortuantely, a flavor that's dramatically overexposed here in the USA already.

Flavor: Too much vinegar and water with anything can produce a bit of a stinky foot smell, and that's what you get when you open this bottle. The spice is weak, the sauce is little thicker than water, and you won't taste any sweetness of Scotch Bonnet. There's a chance they just used a pinch of cayenne pepper like Tabassco does and subtely advertised otherwise.

Availability: What is interesting about this otherwise bland sauce, however, is that where you find Caribbean communities, whether small neighborhoods of Haitians, Trinidadians, Caymanians, or Jamaicans, you are bound to find Grace products. Some other time I'll review Grace's Scotch Bonnet Pepper Sauce, which is actually quite good! I found this sauce in Brooklyn (Bed Stuy) in a little bodega. Grace's Caribbean pride seems to work its way into any solid area that might be looking for Caribbean pride. Of course, they have a very generic website as well.

Good for: I feel that hot sauces like this, Tabassco, and lousier Louisana sauces are best when the flavor is as muted as possible and the little spark of heat can add the oh-so-slightest kick for spice beginners. I'm thinking Bloody Marys, pizza sauce, or party dips packed with tons of flavorful ingrediants.

Review:

Heat: 1/2 star

Flavor: *

My Review: 2.6

Grace makes this and one other OFFICIAL Scotch Bonnet Sauce. Get that one. This sauce isn't worth your time, efforts, or taste buds.

                      

Salsa Huichol: Git outta Dodge, Cholula...there's a new sheriff in town.

Salsa Huichol might not be the sauce of your dreams, but it's certainly a sauce that has big dreams of it's own. Their humble Mexican website outlines their aspirations to become the leader in Picante hot sauce. Just what is Picante hot sauce? According to America's internet single parent, Wikipedia, "Picante is a Spanish adjective that derives from picar, which means 'to sting.'" This sauce brings some sting, but goes head to head with another classic Mexican hot sauce, Cholula.  Does this sauce rise to its own challenge and live the (Mexican) American Dream?

Let's look at the facts: Picante, a word often associated with salsa, usually describes a tomato-based hot sauce. This traditional Mexican hot sauce culls from a variety of indigenous peppers, including Piquin, Cayenne, and Arbol peppers, along with garlic, tomato, and vinegar. It's a proven combination of Mexican flavor. More importantly, the Lopez family has been making the stuff for generations since 1949, and the sauce hit America in 1982. Their honest, down to Earth web page portrays a family hot sauce trying to break out internationally...and guess what? They deserve to.

Good Hurts: With the same kind of tangy spice that toasts the tip of your tongue that Cholula has, you can't go wrong with this sauce, whether you're a spiceaholic or a pepperhead just lookin' for some flavor. Not too hot, but it won't let you down.

Flavor: The strange, almost metallic, reddish-brown milky color smells of rich ripe tomatoes and chilies.The flavor is thicker and bolder than Cholula, tastes like the peppers are fresher and perhaps roasted, and brings a rich mellow to the niche dominated by Cholula in the USA. This is a sauce you get for flavor, not searing heat. I strongly recommend it!

Availability: It's not easy to find here. Their site boasts that they've made it all the way to France and Spain, but I wonder how easily available the sauce really is in those locations and around the world. Their site isn't translated well, and thus makes ordering hot sauce a bit more challenging than the average late-night hot sauce buy. If you can find this stuff, demand it! Ask your local Mexican joint where to find this elusive flavor goldmine.

Good for: Everything Cholula can do, this sauce can do better. Pizza is a must, burritos are a plus, and the flavor really mixes well with beans and rice. This sauce is more well rounded and flavorful than Cholula, so the sky is really the limit.

Review:

Heat: *

Flavor: ****2/5

My Review: 7.1

While the bite isn't quite enough to push it into seriously hot territory, it's bold, exciting flavor could easily knock your Cholula bottle off the shelf and into the toilet, assuming you keep your hot sauce over the toilet. Strongly recommended!