Hawkeye Hot Sauce: Yes, YOUR school can have that Louisiana vinegar flavor!

When you live mere blocks from the University of Iowa campus, you quickly learn what comes with the territory. Besides the reputation of the writing department, the agricultural science  opportunities, and the baskets of corn on every corner when it isn't cold out, you see that little yellow and black hawk face plastered on anything with more than a square inch of room. Sweatshirts, sweatpants, hats, glasses, beads, and creepy Leatherface-like yellow and black overalls are just some the adornments students and townies alike stumble around in day in and out in Hawkeye territory. But why stop with adornments? When I saw Iowa Hawkeye hot sauce it my local Hyvee, the black and gold in my blood boiled to fever pitch and $3 later I was at home, cracker in hand, ready to support my (by proximity) home team!

Let's look at the facts: People love big universities here. If they didn't, Hot Sauce Harry's would be out of a job. Hot Sauce Harry's figured out that plastering school logos on hot sauce might help sell their very normal, down to Earth blends. However, they have a wide array of bizarrely named hot sauces, though many sound, beyond their names, sound like a handful of batches under thousands of different labels. But they don't need to worry; hundreds of thousands of people, from students to parents to creepy alumni with frosted tips and goatees shell out money for any and everything Big U logo. That's why Hawkeye Hotsauce will always have a little market all nice-and-cozy set up (like a nest?) for it here in Iowa City. But does that make it special anywhere beyond the reach of the campus Hawkeye bubble of influence?

Good Hurts: This Louisiana hot sauce tastes like what Louisiana hot sauce should taste like, and has a little spike of heat, as Louisiana hot sauce tends to have. Using cayenne peppers will only kick so much for hot freaks, but it's more about the vinegary goodness that these traditional sauces use that makes them so iconic. Don't get this one for the heat...get it because you want at least one bottle of Louisiana hot sauce and you go to the University of Iowa.

Flavor: My first sentence about pretty much sums it up: vinegar and peppers combine for a classic flavor you'll find in any decent sub shop or diner. Better than Tabasco, but akin to a solid Trappey's Louisiana sauce. It's a hair less liqudy than some others, which is a plus for me. This is, I believe, what America came up with to counter the unique chips-and-vinegar combo from the UK; our Louisiana hot sauce adds a little kick but a vinegar saltiness for more tang and enjoyment with pretty much any type of food.

Availability: Hawkeye Hot Sauce is all over University of Iowa. But the actual Louisiana sauce they make is everywhere under a myriad of labels. This is 3000% novelty, but at least it's a solid, dependable novelty you can eat.

Good for: One of the pleasures of this hot sauce is that it's truly made for everyone and has ascended to the top of the pile of hot sauces for regular, college-lovin' folks. Even the most hardened pepper head would admit that Louisiana sauce is good for hung over mornings and black coffee, chips as a snack, burrito dinners, and pizza, warm or cold. It's pretty much just a tangier take on vinegar, after all. The consistency is just a little heavier and, therefore, more like a real sauce.

Review

Heat: *

Flavor: **1/2

My Review: 6.0/10

May this Louisiana hot sauce stand for all others until I find one significantly different, better, or more unique. The Hawks may not know it, but Hot Sauce Harry's is the bat in the proverbial Aesop war between the beasts and the birds; it plays every college with the same recipe, but isn't worth turning away from if you have school spirit and don't mind your iconic school mascot staring back at you from the shelf, always judging.

First ever Good Hurts Video Kaboom: Dave's Insanity Sauce + SAVE THE PEPPERHEADS!

Looks like a hot freak may be headed to jail...and over Tabasco, no less! After putting Tabasco in her soda and letting autistic students drink it, Maria Tagle may have transgressed the the student/hot sauce obsessee line.
Now's the time to rally behind this victim of injustice! Raise your hot-sauce-addled soda cans to the heavens!

Amana Colony's "Mean Jean's Hot Sauce": In quaint, historic Amana, there lies an average hot sauce

The historic Amana Colonies in Middle Amana, Iowa are home to an old (founded in 1854), closed German society. Like many Amish or Mennonite communities, their connection to the outside world was commerce...buying and selling their own wares and, well, ingredients to make their own wares. 

Flash forwards to 2009. It's a cute little tourist community. There are walls packed with baked goods, jams and jellies, cheese, and wine. And yes, there is hot sauce. This one is made by "Mean Jean" (Jean = a quint German woman, not the famed pro wrestling announcer.

Let's look at the facts: In a community where they make beer, wine, cheese, jams, jellies, candy, fudge, and countless other items, I was really surprised by the generic, factory-manufactured flavor and feel to this green pepper/jalapeno based sauce. Should you head into their general stores, enjoy the fact that they make hot sauce, but it's probably best to leave it within the comforts of its own closed society of mediocre foods.

Good Hurts: While I found it exciting to buy a hot sauce from this unsuspecting general store, "Mean Jean's" disappointed me. The bottle (and I can only trust the bottle; the actual website is just a general grocery store page) says it contains jalapeno pepper, habanero powder, and capsicum. I was pretty excited for a surprising shock, but this sauce is like a thicker, more gelled green salsa with only the slightest wimper of a spicy kick.

Flavor: It tastes slightly above average, with little notes of sweetness and jalapeno-ish herbs you might get in a salsa verde. However, Mean Jean's has a ton of ingredients, many of which have their hands in the pockets of science's sinister labcoat. Sodium Benzoate? Bisulfate? Polysorbate 80? FD&C blue #1? I think most hot sauces fanatics would frown on so many artificial colors and preservatives. The texture is also syrupy and needs to be refrigerated, which doesn't make it horrible, but subtracts points. It's also surprisingly bitter and subtly medical tasting. It says on the bottle that they use sweet onions AND cane sugar...where did those go? If simplicity is bliss, you're far from it here.

Availability: If you live in the middle of nowhere in Iowa, you're in luck! Amana colonies is only 100 miles away in any direction! Unless you order the stuff from their online grocery store, you'd be hard pressed to find this sauce anywhere outside of the formally Lutheran commune. It's probably best left there.

Good for: This is another drawback of this sauce; why smother your pizza or nachos in this palsy excuse for a hot sauce when you can get a fresh Mexican salsa verde anywhere easily? Smooth, syrupy texture vs. chunky, fresh salsa is the only read difference between this hot sauce and what composes a standard, mild green salsa.


My Review:
Heat: 1/2 star
Flavor: ** 
My Review: 4.0/10


This sauce may be rare, but that doesn't make it good. The other Amana Colony sauce I purchased is much, much more interesting.

The Boulder Hot Sauce Company Smokey Serrano: mountains of veggie flavor

There's a school of art called Dadaism; it uses surreal, child-like images and motifs that came out of Europe in the post-WWI period as a reaction to the brutal "reality" of war; by achieving a state of simplicity, Dadaism revolutionized art for decades to come, leading to movements in painting, poetry, music, and sculpture. The Dadaists formed a tight, positive community where they shared ideas and based their lives and livelihoods around the idea of blissful human simplicity and our creative childhood urges.
The point: when did hot sauce become so murderous and violent?
Yes, there's true art in violence; hot freaks like me enjoy the meditative, muster-testing blast of pepper's, nature's sweetest weapon. But Boulder Hot Sauce Company, run by Harry Robertson, is on a mission: to bring the joy of flavor into a hot sauce world of pain.

Let's look at the facts: Don't let my long ramble about Dadaism fool you...this sauce isn't child's play. It's a complex mix of vegetable flavors with enough heat to let it compete with serious hot sauces. Oh yes...they have a catch phrase, too: "I always sweat like this!" I may not be soaked in sweat after eating it, but you better believe I'm happy with this sauce.

Good Hurts: I chose the Serrano sauce because it's unconventional...many hot sauces these days have jalapeno, cayenne variations, or murderous amount of habanero. The heat is one of the most enjoyable I can describe; like a raw Poblano pepper, Serrano heat's there, lingering, tingling, and lasting along with a smokiness you just can't beat. A lot of sauces claim to use a smokey flavor/pepper, but this one does it without Chipotles or Anchos (smokey tasting peppers) and they do it without relying too much on roasted tomatoes or corn as a base. That can sometimes bring your hot sauce into the realm of salsa, and make no mistake: this thick, chunky sauce IS a hot sauce.

Flavor: Flavor is Harry's best friend with this sauce. He makes a habanero sauce I've yet to try, but this Serrano pepper/vinegar/vegetable sauce successfully walks a fine line many sauces tumble off of. While the sauce is chunky, I strongly advise you to shake before you use every single time...the hot liquid that tends to collect at the top like in any thick hot sauce or salsa won't do this sauce adequate representation. Sometimes I get sick of roasted tomato salsa or hot sauce quickly, but this sauce has so many other flavors--you can taste the carrots, the sweet Spanish onions, (and there really is an awesome sweetness here) and, most importantly, the Serrano peppers. If you want a flavorful sauce, this is a must-buy for your hot sauce shelf.

Availability: The best thing about Harry's (besides, well, the sauce itself) is their American-Dream-like obsession and dedication to customer service. You can, of course, order it on their website, but I found it in a little grocery store here in Iowa City. If they don't have it, ask for it. I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that Harry will ship it anywhere that asks for it within seconds.

Good For: I can't say this as much as I'd like to, but you can literally put this sauce on anything. They invented the word "robust" for this sauce. I bet it would make pasta sauce nice'n spicy; I believe it would make a meaty sandwich more smokey and Earthy; I bet it would spring salads to life. Because it's so veggie-heavy AND includes a smokey pepper flavor, I'd say add it to any veggie dish you can think of.

Review:
Heat: ***
Flavor: ****1/2
My Review: 8.4/10

The heat is decent, but the flavor is what you'll come back for. I'd call this sauce a best buy. Make sure you shake the bottle, though! You want to get every chunk'o flavor you can.

Pain is Good Batch 114 Jamaican Style: wacky story, solid sauce

If you were to follow the self-aggrandizing mythology on the "about us" page of their website, you'd go down the rabbit hole of a long winded, oft whimsical story of a handful of crazies with dreams of making the perfect sauce (etc.) from all walks of life (etc.) who showed up mysteriously one day (etc, etc, etc.). If anything is to be extracted from the story, it's that Original Juan's specialty foods (undoubtedly the cash cow behind the decent distribution, cool bottle shape, and neato bottle art, complete with wincing, screaming faces) wants to let you know they are dedicated to making good sauce. And for a company from Kansas City, MO, they sure want you to know a lot about their background in the fine arts of hot sauce. If you've driven the highways of America, and seen your share of license plates, you know Missouri is the show-me state. Does this sauce put up and shut up?


Let's look at the facts: Kansas City isn't famous for their hot sauces, but they are famous for BBQ here in the US of A. Sure enough, solid BBQ elements work their way into this sauce. For a website dedicated to so many gourmet foods, recipe ideas, and drink mixes, when the dust settles there is a product that's really worth eating and enjoying in a slightly less conventional way than insanely hot sauces out there.

Good Hurts: This sauce does something I've rarely seen with any hot sauce: it actually downplays how hot it is! Sure, there's a screaming guy on the front. But their spice level is right smack in the middle (as shown by a thermostat drawing on the bottle art). There's a smokey heat, but not like a Chipotle smokiness; this smokiness reminds me of something in a smokey tomato sauce or BBQ sauce. And the sauce is hot! It's one (again, unconventionally) that is overtaken by the flavor...that is, after the heat subsides.

Flavor: This robust, thick brown sauce at first seems somewhat fruity smelling, but more like savory fruits (figs come to mind). You can definitely smell that roasted onion and garlic, too. And there's a twinge of sweetness too. What is that dominating flavor? Just look at those ingredients: "Habanero peppers, tomato paste, pineapple juice concentrate, water, garlic puree, lime juice concentrate, spices, lemon juice concentrate, onion powder, salt, jerk seasoning. No added preservatives" That's the one...last, not least. That jerk seasoning really stands out beyond the other ingredients. It adds a sweet, habanero BBQ element to the sauce and a savory flavor. However, the consistency and rich sweet-spice make it more like a hot sauce than a BBQ sauce, too. The flavor of habaneros is really accentuated, too. If you're a fan of solid barbecue, this is a must-have sauce.

Availability: It seems like Original Juan's foods go beyond gourmet stores and into more upscale grocery stores and bodegas. Their strange, random selection of grocery stores is a bit odd; I found a bottle in a hoity-toity gourmet grocery in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, but also at a run-of-the-mill Dominick's Supermarket in Northbrook, IL. If you don't bump into it (something you can't really plan anyway), the website has got your back.

Good for: Unlike many of the other hot sauces that will break down the fortress of the food they are paired with and assault your taste buds, this sauce would work really well on a sandwich, particularly a pulled pork sandwich. If you can smother it in BBQ sauce, you can smother it in Batch #114, as long you're ready to handle a hot sauce that keeps burnin' while you keep eatin'.


Review:
 Flavor: ****

Heat: ***3/4
My Review: 8.2/10

JD's South Philly Pyro Pineapple: tropic thunder

I came across this humble sauce for a mere $3 (USD) at Brooklyn's Chili Pepper Festival in September of 2008. In the corner, a tall, friendly guy peddled his wares, certain that if I tried his sauce cheap, I'd come back. It's a year later, my sauce is long gone, and I have more bottles on order. This sauce really stood out at that day because of its hands-on approach to the American Dream (small business, confidence in product, all natural, etc. etc.) and its remarkable heat and flavor.


Let's look at the facts: JD's South Philly hot sauce company takes pride in their simple craft and the innovation behind it. Their website states, "Pyro Pineapple is different from most hot sauces on the market because it contains no vinegar. J.D. uses a base of citrus fruit and vodka blended with honey and select herbs and spices. This keeps Pyro Pineapple low in sodium and sets it apart from those watered-down, vinegar-based sauces." Hot sauce is a super-duper low calorie food; it does, however, often contain way, way too much sodium, something that can lead to heart problems and liver/metabolism issues. By creating a great hot sauce that keeps it simple and steps outside the traditional box, JD's creates a winner. True enough, the best phrase for this sauce is "a damn good hurt."

Good Hurts: JD's will not disappoint. This searing heat will put tears in your eyes and leave your mouth lingering in pain. It's also flavorful, but the flavor is understated by the heat. When I saw the bottle said Ho Ho Hot, I thought it might be joking around. Like Santa Claus, "ho ho" is no joke. It's time to give the gift of serious heat.


Flavor: It's tropic thunder, a wave of fruity flavors, though pineapple is more understated than they say. It uses a vodka base (a clever innovation), but it's similar to vodka pasta sauce, which tastes like tomatoes and cheese rather than booze. This sauce has the subtle tartness of vodka lurking quietly beneath the surface, but what it really tastes like to me is sweet chutney that's more on the savory side of the sweet scale...think mango or fig chutney. That taste does wrestle a little bit under the weight of its own flavor, however. But not enough to cause any problems...unless you dislike being burned badly, in which case you should leave this site immediately.


Good for: Because the sauce is thicker and more hearty, it works really well to liven up fruity salsas. I think it goes really, really well on corn chips, particularly Fritos. The fruit, salt, and serious Scoville goodness mix really well.

Review:
Flavor: ****
Heat: ****
My Review: 8.6/10

This sauce is a classic; simple innovation combined with something hot enough for pepper heads and tasty enough to add some well-roundedness to your sauce collection.

Bufalo Jalapeno Very Hot: one step above miserable

Let's get one thing perfectly clear: Bufalo knows how to make hot sauce. They've been doing it in Mexico since 1933, and their Chipotle hot sauce, which is the same consistency as A-1, is smokey and awesome on any Tex-Mex food you can think of. This sauce, however, falls flat fast.


Let's look at the facts: Bufalo seems more intent on flavor than heat, which is fine with me, and most likely fine with mainstream hot sauce eaters. They have such a wide variety of solid sauces, but this one is worth avoiding. With hot freaks, however, this sauce is like glorified ketchup; sugary, tangy, and a festive neon red, this thick sauce seems to be made of a mysterious salty gelatin

Good Hurts: The smell is just like the Trappey's Chef Magic Jalapeno, and if you can get over that Play-Doh like rush, you might be in for a minor, minor treat; it's sugary and salty at the same time, but the short shot of spice isn't enough to really have this sauce measure up to something built to burn.

Flavor: The odd mix of sweet and very, very salty runs thin quick; the smell, texture, and color run thin even thicker. I didn't mind the semi-sweet taste at first, but soon started feeling like hot peppers may not have had a hand in the equation. All the ingredients, including red 40 and an army of unpronounceable preservatives, detract from the overall experience.

Availability: Easy to find in many grocery stores, but omnipresent in Mexican groceries across the nation and in Mexico. Bufalo has really proven themselves with so many sauces and condiments, but this one felt like they just sort of mailed it in.

Good for: Cold pizza, and cold pizza pretty much exclusively. This sauce would overpower a salsa or dish not just with it's texture but with its flavor and smell. It might go well if on its own with rice, perhaps.

REVIEW:
FLAVOR: *
HEAT: *
MY REVIEW: 2.0/10

Avoidance is the best option with this lackluster sauce.

Trappey's Chef Magic Jalapeno Sauce: a (not so) hot mess

 Trappey's has a history more interesting than it's product; imagine a sea anemone stuck to a coral reef. It struggles and struggles to get off, and after years of minuscule movement, it breaks free, only to tumble onto another coral reef nearby. This is the history of Trappey's hot sauce.

Tabasco sauce--one of my least favorite hot sauces--is headed by the McIlhenny family from Louisiana. The company was founded in 1898, when Louisiana entrepreneur (and former McIlhenny Company employee) B.F. Trappey began growing tabasco chilies from Avery Island seed. Note that today Tabasco releases an expensive "rare blend" of hot sauce called "Avery Island Reserve" (review forthcoming).

B.F. Trappey founded the company B.F. Trappey and Sons and, with the help of his ten sons and one daughter, began producing his own sauce, which he called "Tabasco." The McIlhenny family, makers of Tabasco brand sauce retaliated against their former employee by receiving a trademark for their Tabasco brand in 1906. Nowadays, Trappey's has been absorbed by ultra-mega conglomerate B&G Foods, Inc. It enjoys national distribution, but at what cost?

Let’s look at the facts: Trappey's makes "Louisiana Hot Sauce." They conceded the Tabasco name to the McIlhenny family. What is this mysterious blend of sauce from the Bayou state? It refers to a simple blend of vinegar, peppers (almost exclusively cayanne or jalapeno), and loads of salt. My good friend xanthan gum is often added to thicken it up and give you your daily dose of science, something those absent minded nutritionists accidentally left off the food pyramid. Trappey's Chef Magic Jalepeno Sauce's only magic seems to be a complicated name and awful product.

Good Hurts: I don't believe for a second that this Simpsons-plutonium-rod-green sauce is over 2,000 Scoville units. It's not hot at all. A quick jolt of spicy tang, but that's about it. Trappey's sauces, I think, cater more to people who like vinegar and salt more than spice.

Flavor: This is what the magic really is: a plasticy, industrial-lacquer like pulpy green liquid that kicks more like a goat's salt lick than a hot sauce. The jalapeno, a pepper with a distinct herb flavor and sweet, searing heat is totally absent here. It tastes terrible.

Availability: If you like horrible excuses for hot sauce, you're in luck! Trappey's Chef Magic Jalapeno sauce is totally ubiquitous despite all its shortcomings. I found some here at my local HyVee in Iowa City, about as far from the Bayou as you can get. Guard your children...it lurks.

Good for: Nothing, really. A sauce with a flavor like this will in fact detract from a meal. I'd only really give this sauce points for having a fun color.

REVIEW:

FLAVOR: NO STARS

HEAT: *

MY REVIEW: 0.2/10

If this site is about rating the best, you must define and acknowledge some of the worst. Shame on you, Trappey. Average Louisiana style hot sauce is one thing, but this chlorine-smelling liquid isn't fit to be called hot sauce.

Rectum Ripper XXX1/2: more does not equal better

 My friend Joe bought me this sauce for my birthday. It's the first sauce I'm reviewing that represents a vast cross-section of small batch hot sauces with crazy, vulgar titles. These sauces often use wacky names to appeal to wacky people who'd want to eat them; often made my hot freaks, these sauces appeal to other hot freaks and few others. This sauce is no exception. While you might not find this silly-named, grim reaper flashin' sauce in grandma's fridge, it's unique flavor earns it a serious look.

Let’s look at the facts: Made by Tahiti Joe's Hot Sauce out of West Palm Beach, FL, this sauce refuses to adhere to the belief that simplicity is bliss. Habanero Peppers, Apple Cider Vinegar, Crushed Tomatoes, Key Lime Juice, Clam Juice, Worcestershire, Honey, Carrots, Mustard, Ginger, Garlic In Water, Onions, Spices, and Tic Gum all come together in a, well, unnatural combination of flavors. Does it work? I'll try to be the judge for you... 

Good Hurts: It is what it says it is: a sauce made for hot sauce fanatics, and indeed it's about a 3.5 out of 5 on the spice scale. Too much for an average run-of-the-mill hot sauce, but not in the same destructive league as something like Dave's Insanity Sauce. The spice level will not disappoint you, but it won't actually scythe your ass off, either.

Flavor: The flavor is the real mystery behind this sauce. Just look at all those ingredients! I've read reviews that claimed that the Worchestershire sauce overpowers the sauce (true), but I think it's actually the clam juice that's the proverbial straw that breaks this camel's back. When I was a kid, my dad (for some reason) would let me mix all the ingredients we had into a big slurry. It was fun to do as a kid, but it ended up with an overpowering thick salty mustard smell. This sauce brings back those memories. While it doesn't actually taste awful, it's too much of fishy Worchestershire sauce to really showcase a simple flavor. You'd never be able to identify all those other interesting ingredients. More is not always better, Rectum Ripper.

Availability: By merit of ass-blasting name, Rectum Ripper is lurking in novelty hot sauce shops and, of course, on the internet. Their official website and countless e-sauce markets carry the stuff.

Good for: Another tricky question. This sauce has too much of a powerful condiment flavor to really just liven up chips or kick up a salsa, but might bode well on a sandwich as a replacement or addition to a hearty brown mustard/anchovy sauce. I try it on cold pizza sometimes, but it tastes a little unnatural, like the reaper himself.

REVIEW:

FLAVOR: *

HEAT: ***1/2

MY REVIEW: 5.9/10

Dave's Insanity Sauce: the legendary standard bearer of American good hurts!

The legendary heat. The lingering stigma. The controversial reception. The current embrace. The capsaicin extract.
These may be just some of the ideas that blast into your mind like the sauce blasts your mouth into the burning abyss when you hear the name of any sauce associated with Dave's Gourmet.

Let's look at the facts: Dave's is often immitated and...often duplicated? Yeah, I said it, and it's true. Dave's made history in 1993 (editor's note: Dave himself read this blog and pointed out that it was 1993, not 1995, as I had stated earlier) when it became the first hot sauce to be banned from the National Firey Foods Show for being too hot. This fear-rendering stigma was only a gauntlet to be challenged by hot sauce fanatics, and in 2004 Dave's was offically surpassed by other hot sauce manufacturers claiming to use more capsaicin extract. Dave's retalliated, releasing hotter and hotter "reserve blends."
Long story short: with 180,000 Scoville units (Tabasco is 2,000), Dave's didn't just cross the line...it invented the line. The way hot sauce has become defined was changed forever by Dave's. Pure extract from hot peppers is what goes into pepper spray and some industrial varnishes. Now it was food. Hot Freaks continuously look for a way to top the sadistic heat in Dave's. Dave's is the trail (pardon the pun) blazing forerunner to hot sauces based on murdering you with spice rather than showcase a pepper's flavor and spice.
Good Hurt: Some normal readers looking for a solid review will call me a masochist. Some hot freaks may call me a sissy. But Dave's gets a 5 out of 5 when the nuclear fallout has cleared. A dark red color, Dave's uses habanero peppers for an intense and lingering blast. Be careful about getting this spice on your lips or in your eyes...they are not joking when they say it can remove stains from your driveway. Dave's should be treated and used like a fun chemical by spice heads. I personally find the spice somewhat meditative, provided you're ready for it.
Flavor: Look for a youtube video about this sauce, but Dave's is just like the nuclear tests in the 50's on Bikini Atoll. A tropical blast of flavor briefly preceeds an atomic explosion guarenteed to make your taste buds feel like they are suffering the aftereffects of radiation. Dave's flavor becomes muted against its own spice quickly, but that tropical, fruity blast at the beginning is distinct enough to earn it at least a few stars from me.
Availbility: Since the original insanity sauce is indeed too insane for mainstream USA, Dave's is often found in niche hot sauce shops or in gourmet markets that cator to eclectic tastes. Of course, Dave's is also available on their website, located right here.
Good for: Addendum to this section: this sauce is not good on anything for people unprepared for serious burns. For the rest of us, Dave's is best when either put on something to test your might as a spice aficionado (no, I do not advocate being a youtube jackass and drinking cups of it), but utilitarian spice heads will use Dave's to liven up mild or medium salsas or to add searing heat to a chili or soup. A little of Dave's goes an awful long way.
Review:
FLAVOR: **2/3
SPICE: *****
MY REVIEW: 9.0/10
In keeping with my theme of starting with generally well known hot sauces, Dave's is the measuring stick for insanely hot sauces and spicy food challenges. Dave's lays down a whole new law by using pure hot pepper extract, something really dangerous and different from the traditional method of boiling down spices and vinegar. I give it a 9.0 because it's one the best ever, the granddaddy of'em all, so to speak...but it can be beaten. There is, undoubtedly, a hot sauce out there that can provide solid flavor as well as searing heat. Time and taste will tell.

Cholula: one of the best ubiquitous hot sauces

My first ever review will focus on a fine sauce for fine people. This sauce is Cholula, and I have to say it's one of the best easily available hot sauces for regular people with normal tolerance for spice.
Let's look at the facts:
Cholula is hecho en Mexico...peppers are versitile little beasts, but many good ones grow south of the border. FUN FACT: many Mexican peppers actually originated in China and were brought over and cultivated there!


Good Hurt: Cholula uses a blend of arbol and piquin peppers. Piquin peppers are actually very spicy, so I'd imagine that the amount of pepper per batch is fairly low, because this sauce has no spice at all for Hot Freaks like me, but a decent little kick for regular civilians. I would compare the spice to a low-level, mild kick, similar to a standard Tabasco sauce or vinegar/cayanne/arbol pepper combination. Often times, easy availability of sauce means that, like an American President, say, it must appeal to the masses as much as possible. That means no vulgar names and a palatable level of spice.

Flavor: What it lacks in burning heat, however, it makes up for in solid flavor. Like basically all hot sauces, it has a tangy vinegar base but contains a generous amount of spice for a robust, smokey tomato sort of flavor. Piquin peppers, raw, are very flavorful as well as being hot. I think they did an excellent job of retaining flavor, even if they downplayed the spice.

Availability: If you live on the planet Earth, you're in luck! Cholula is available near you. I'd honestly like to push for this sauce to become the go-to hot sauce instead of the less flavorful, just-as-spicy Tabasco sauce. This sauce's wooden cap makes it stand out just a bit more than the standard hot sauces gracing the shelves of grocery stores and bodegas.

Good for: pizza (I prefer cold), salsas, chicken, steaks, sandwiches...with xanthan gum thickening this sauce, it works really well as a strong alternative to ketsup or mustard without being like either one of those.

RATING:

FLAVOR: ****

HEAT: *1/2
MY REVIEW: 6.8/10

Don't let this rating fool you, however! If you are looking for flavor more than spice, this is a great way to go and I highly recommend it! As far as commercially available hot sauces go, Cholula is a top contender.

Guide to peppers and a capsicum cultivars scale

One more post will complete the trefecta of postings for the day.
This Wikipedia entry shows accurate analysis of various hot peppers. It even goes as far as to break down the capsicum scale based upon heat of certain peppers. Remember: eat a ghost pepper, eat 1/5th of what goes into pepper spray that the cops spray at the baddies.


Here's the link to it.

Enjoy! Reviews will be here tomorrow, as well as links to youtube reviews.

Spicifically,
Russell

Good Hurts Spice Scale

Here's the score, Hot Freaks:

I'll be reviewing hot sauces using the patented, simple system of suffering: Let's look to the stars.

* * * * * = FLAVOR

* * * * * = SPICE
My overall review is out of 10. This is not a combination of flavor and spice stars, but is weighted by them.
Yes, these are the 10 stars of brutality. The 10 stars of torment. The 10 stars of ultimate good hurtin'.
I will give sauces a review out of 10. 5 stars go towards flavor...what's the point of a hot sauce or spicy food if it's just blinding spice? It's like a bucket of paint vs. art on a canvas. Why, we'd just eat ghost pepper extract if that's all that mattered. But yes, spice is still critically important. I'll be giving 5 stars for spice as well. These numbers combined will determine the overall rating of the sauce. A 10 means it's really a great hot sauce and I strongly recommend you go chug it immediately.

Remember, I do take requests--and how! Email me at hotfreakrussell@gmail.com for your spicy needs!
Feel the burn, hot freaks!

Welcome to Good Hurts!

Welcome to Good Hurts! These peppers will be your spirit/flavor guides on your journey through reviews of hot sauces for Hot Freaks like me (Russell, editor and spice aficionado) and for regular humanoids as well.
I want to set up some important information right now:
Yes, there will be reviews.
There will be videos of hot sauce samples.
If you know of a hot sauce you'd like me to locate or try, please email me: hotfreakrussell@gmail.com.
Stay tuned for lots more!