Video Kaboom: Russell vs. Buffalo Cantina Seppuku Wings Challenge

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AT HOME...OR ANYWHERE.

Cajun Bayou: The official favorite Louisiana Hot Sauce of Good Hurts

Apologies for the 10 day gap in reviews...the GoodHurtsTron5000 needed to be taken out behind the woodshed and "corrected." Now I have a new Mac and nothing to stop me from communicating with the outside world. Please be patient...the video of my toppling the Buffalo Cantina wing challenge and losing a piece of my soul doing it will be up soon!

Like UFOs in our skies, Louisiana hot sauce has plenty of people who claim to have seen the best evidence out there (of flavor, heat, and other taste mysteries) that a particular brand is really amazing. Like UFOs, fleeting samples of the stuff come in and out leaving hot sauce fans to wonder which kind really proves that the stuff can hold a culinary key to the future in a world where hotter and hotter insanity sauces are landing every day. Like UFOs, Tabasco is the Roswell incident, the benchmark Louisiana hot sauce with time on its side and the widest base of believers. And like UFOs, this grainy photo was the only one I could find of a rich, shiny sauce that I believe can trump the countless other sauces like it. Floating between a Louisiana and Picante sauce (a la Salsa Huichal, Cholula, and others) this sauce is worth investigating.

Let's Look at the Facts: My best friends in the world at Original Juan's can count this sauce among their wide variety of interesting hot sauces. And why not? It's a sauce that enters a whole other division of hot sauces...one filled with similar flavor but possibly the widest fanbase. It's pretty simple...created from a cayenne pepper mash, in which the red peppers are crushed up and left in a (usually enclosed) vat of vinegar and aged, this sauce can boast that the only thing it rests on is its fresh cayenne flavor, since there are no additives or preservatives and no sugar.

For a company that uses such creative packaging, Cajun Bayou keeps it simple: simple package, simple label, and simply effective.

Good Hurts: What can I say? This is a hot sauce meant for flavor, not knock you socks off heat. I would be interested to see a really hot Cajun sauce someday...but I dream. For now, this sauce has almost no heat, even for those of especially weak spice constitutions. This is a sauce for the elderly and babies as well as anyone who wants to explore the endlessly similar corridors that Louisiana sauce offers: salt, cayenne pepper, and vinegar. Flavor is really what's important in this hot sauce.

Flavor: This is a special sauce because the first thing the pops into your mind when you eat it won't be "tangy!" Tabasco, Frank's Red Hot, Trappey's, and other heavy hitters in the Louisiana industry have sauces that have a tart jolt of salty vinegar at the beginning, but this one is much more understated, pushing it close to the smoothness of Cholula and its Picante family members. It's also very vinegar-y, though, which means that it's going to be really good with something starchy and not very acidic. I think this sauce is ideal for a lot of foods you might not otherwise want to end up puckering up for by using too much of the other guys' sauces.

Availability: This sauce is on their website, of course, but don't expect to find this sauce in too many grocery stores worldwide. While Original Juan's has some decent distribution, this sauce might have too much competition to get it in stores where Original Juan's other, well, original products can shine. If you find it, I recommend it thoroughly. If not, it might be worth ordering if you're sick of being let down by the too-salty grind.

Good for: This is the shining point of this sauce. What Louisiana sauce lacks in heat, it makes up for in versatility. This sauce is no different. Pour it liberally on pizza, pita chips, fries, or my personal favorite, kettle chips, for a deep south take on the classic British chips n' vinegar. The salty sauce isn't too tangy to overpower your favorites, but adds a tasty savory kick. I could eat bowl after bowl of kettle chips and this sauce if I didn't care about my pesky liver and completely pickling it.

Review:

Heat: 1/2 star

Flavor: ***

My Review: 7/10

As far as Louisiana hot sauce goes, this is as good as it can get. Don't forget to watch the skies...er, the swamps, for the latest and greatest from the wide world of cayenne.

Pain 100%: Nature's brutal wrath, one drop at a time

In a world of so many hidden messages, many obfuscated further by carefully crafted rhetoric, bright, catchy images, and downplayed pratfalls, it's refreshing to know that Original Juan's, the most important name in Kansas City, has banged out an all-natural hot sauce for the organic hot freak in your life. What they've come up with definitely isn't for the feint of heart, but should be embraced by true pepperheads looking for a chemical-free fix of fire.

Let's look at the facts: Located in the "Meltdown" section of their hot sauce area of their site, Pain 100% is a simple take on habaneros, some of the hottest peppers under the sun. While the effects food additives (like thickening gums) are sketchy and blurred, Pain 100% boasts all natural ingredients, though some of its spices could benefit from some elaboration. This sauce is all about the raw power of the habanero, and all other spices and flavors come second. No frills, no gimmicks, and no kidding around: this sauce is thick, bright, and hot.

Good Hurts: The raw habanero is hot as hell, and this sauce is packed full of raw seeds and the orange-red color unmistakeably associated with the pepper. This sauce packs a wallop, too, and will definitely be too much for regular people looking to pep up a burrito. This is a sauce that toes many lines: after a few mouthfuls, you'll be aching bad; it's not hot enough, however, to just be a food additive. The real truth of this sauce --which is lip-burning and tongue titillating to its very core--is that it's a hot freak's standard hot sauce. Simple, habanero-rich, and thick, this hot sauce is one made for people who want to dump it on heavy and sniffle, weep, and cough their way through their favorite foods.


Flavor: The sparse ingredients say a lot: habanero peppers, water, and the Earthy garden zest of fresh tomatoes in the form of thick (there's that word again) tomato paste. Lastly, the label adds, are "salt and spices" and "natural pepper flavoring." Whether or not this is extract or actual ground up peppers remains unsolved. Whatever the spices are, they are all but whispers between waves of intense, lingering heat.

Availibilty: Besides rockin' the KC, Pain 100%, along with a number of other exciting Original Juan's sauces (no, they don't pay or sponsor me. They just make damn good sauce) are surprisingly available at many finer groceries and gourmet food stores.

Good for: Because the habanero is such a sharp, acidic pepper, it really overwhelms a lot of other flavors. This sauce is best accepted for what it really is: an all-natural habanero showcase. Not hot enough to destroy your soul, but hot enough to really make the rest of your meal a tear-jerking expressway to habanero hell, Pain 100% stands in an interesting place. It's best to just pour over pizza, burritos, rice, or other starchy foods that won't grind up against the power of the habanero.


Review:
Heat: ****
Flavor: **
My Review: 8.0/10


A solid, simple habanero sauce for hot freaks to slather recklessly and for food adventurers to have an organic good time gettin' burned.

Seppuku Challenge at Buffalo Cantina completed! Why did I do it? A letter from the editor

Dear Good Hurts readers,

I'm not one to try to talk down to an audience, and I'm not one to try to use a hot sauce review blog to lay out intertextual puzzles and connect-the-dots meaning(s) between images and representations of peppers and what it says about life and the universe as we know it.

I will, however, say that the picture I used for an editor photo here does look an awful lot like a complex labyrinth and is fitting for my experience on the night of January 2nd. That's the night I went to Buffalo Cantina in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and completed the Seppeku challenge.

The serrano peppers, fresh habaneros, and pour after pour of fine-ground red pepper is negligible in the face of a (not so) healthy capfull of habanero extract. Think about how delicious vanilla extract smells, but how awful it tastes. Pepper extract is used in commercial pepper sprays and even mace of bear spray. The stuff isn't really meant for consumption.

With a group of 6 friends cheering me on and dozens more concerned back in Iowa, I tore into the toughest physical challenge of my life. 12 wings drenched in killer Seppeku sauce, needing to be completed in 3 mere minutes. After 4 wings I couldn't taste anything. After 7 I couldn't swallow. With tears in my eyes and a burning charred throat, I powered down the final three wings in the last 30 seconds and tipped my chair over in victory. The thrill was short lived, however, as I downed half a gallon of milk and cup after cup of water (note to spice novices: never drink water to relieve pepper pain. It just pushes the spice further across your tongue and offers temporary relief. It's like struggling in quicksand). What followed was a ringing in my ears and horrible agony just beyond the layer of skin I call my face while an uncomfortable silence fell over the restaurant.

The stomach ache afterwards was the worst, though, and for a few minutes I wondered if I would ever really feel OK again. It was a like I had a brick covered in glass dust wedged between my sternum and intestines, simultaneously cutting my innards and blocking the ensuing flow of blood. I never vomited, but I did sleep from 1 to 5 AM, intermittently waking to go into the bathroom in brutal stomach pain. At 5, I realized I wasn't going back to sleep. I had a plane to catch home and needed to be up at 6. But as I watched the sun rise over the small buildings in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn and cut ashen lines from the cables of the Verrizano Bridge, I came as close to a reconciliation with mortality as I think I can ever come.

I did the challenge because I wanted to realize my mortal boundaries as best I can in this lifetime. I'm not in good shape, and training for an athletic contest and succeeding might take me a long, long time. But I have a high threshold for pain, and I really pushed it. I would say that completing spicy food eating challenges is fanfare for the average person looking for a rock-star rush: a restaurant cheering you on, an endorphin rush to succeed, and a brutal capsicum-induced crash. That'd be the rock star OD'ing after their big show.

The Good Hurts editorial team (read: my girlfriend) is hard at work on compiling the footage into a magnum opus video. Until that's up, enjoy the sauce reviews and our twitter page.

Happy New Years,

Russell

It's Saturday night...do you know where YOUR Good Hurts editor is?

I'm doing this.

Queen of Farts: Live the medieval war between sweet and salty

If you love blasting violent explosions out of your ass, you might want to just cut out the hot sauce middle man and do what the lowliest lifeforms on Earth do.  For the rest of us, there's Queen of Farts, a goofy sauce whose silly name and bottle art may deter normals from understanding the complex war of flavors happening under the innocent plastic cap. Is this Queen worth bowing down to? Will she ever learn to control herself?

Let's look at the facts: The second I found this sauce, I said to my girlfriend, "I bet a goofy guy in a pepper Hawaiian shirt made this sauce." True pepperheads can see each other in our fiery dreams. Sure enough, friendly CaJohn of Columbus, Ohio states: "CaJohns is about getting together with friends and family, enjoying great stories and lots of laughter over some delicious fiery food. We hope our hot sauces and fiery foods help you make your gatherings even more fun!" If you're not interested in swapping stories of lives and times in the gaseous monarchy, CaJohns makes tons of cool looking sauces for true pepperheads. It's refreshing to see such a down home business with such variety. Clearly, Queen of Farts is about fun, plain and simple. Funny name, funny bottle. Niche market. I found the sauce in an "As Seen on TV" store. It's a funny stocking stuffer or gag sauce for the hot freak in your life, but I believe there's more beneath the surface. Combinations of some of my favorite hot sauce traits are all under one cap, but they battle each other a bit more than they may need to.

Good Hurts: This sauce promises a "gentle heat, enjoyable for everyone." This is one of the sauce's highest points. It's not too hot, so even though it's clearly made for hot sauce aficionados, friends and family can gather round and sample it without worrying about severe face peeling or ass blorting. It's a comparable heat to a big gulp O Tabasco sauce. Hey, the world only needs a handful of things like Blair's 10000 skrillion reserves or Pure Cap.

Flavor: Like many wars between feudal kingdoms, this hot sauce's polarized flavors constantly try to scale one another's moats and co-opt their territories. Papaya, guava, pineapple, passion fruit, and banana. Lemon, passion, and guava fruit juices. There's no reason this sauce shouldn't be the sweetest heat in all ye lande. However, the savory armies of salt, garlic, white vinegar, and, leading the charge, curry, put up a formidable fight against insurmountable odds. In between this war is the fair maiden habanero. Curry is the most powerful flavor, so you get a little sweetness after what tastes like a yellow curry. However, it's not the tropical blast it probably could be. So much fruit is hidden by the thick armor of vinegar, salt, and curry. It's a hybrid of the Babysauce and Curry Fire made by the Peppermaster, but the two don't seem to blend as naturally as mere mortals may dream.

Availability: CaJohn's good ol' website has this sauce and more at your beckon call. But guess what?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!? This sauce has Christmas miracle-like distribution. Novelty stores and As-Seen-on-TV/gourmet chef stores. If you can find a food-friendly outlet store, you might get lucky and find this sauce.

Good for: I think it's best with rice dishes, since it seems very curry like. And the curry is good! But it's not the sweet treat you might think it is. Indian food, especially yellow curry, would work with this sauce, too.

Review:

Heat: *

Flavor: ***

My Review: 6.9/10

It's a tasty curry sauce, but this Queen may need to lighten up on the farts and "let them eat fruits."

Tabasco Sauce: A special Christmas review of the All-American hot sauce

New Years is a time to reflect upon one's year; recognizing flaws you want to fix and new ground you want to cover often paints the landscape of the start of another all-too-short 365 days. 2009 was a good year for Good Hurts. It started! Sauces were eaten. (A) Reviewer(s) went to bed sore-stomached and smiley-faced after long nights of sampling. But Good Hurts has missions:
-To become the definitive hot sauce review site.
-To develop our own special blend of 10/10 sauces.
-To sign a hit TV show deal (hopefully right before Jersey Shore comes on...can't miss a second of Snooki's foppish antics).
Most important of all:
-To remain completist, never elitist.

In keeping with the spirit of America's favorite holiday, Christmas (besides, perhaps, the Superbowl, or Thirsty Thursday), Good Hurts prepares for a great 2010 with the hot sauce that defines a nation: Tabasco.

Tabasco sauce is a watery, light red Louisiana style sauce. That means big vinegar, Tabasco/cayanne peppers, and salt, salt, salt. And after vowing many times not to review sauces like this, why do they keep showing up on Good Hurts? Here's why: Tabasco has transcended the pantheon of excellent hot sauces; it's traversed the hierarchy hall of hottness. Tabasco has become an iconic hot sauce clearly symbolic of the American dream, intertwined more with our values, history, and  consumer culture than it is a regular ol' hot sauce from Lo'sianna.

Let's Look at the Facts: I can't rewrite their mind-blowing history page...I just don't have the time or web design doller$. But you really should check it out. Long story short: The McIlhenny Company started making the hot sauce in 1886 to spice up the reconstruction South's bland food (haha, it's never too late to rise again. -Ed.) Edmund McIlhenny, a banker, aged his Avery Island, LA crushed red peppers in a "mash" with salt. After 30 days in crockery jars, the mash was mixed with French white wine vinegar (they use distilled white vinegar like most Louisiana sauces now) and aged for another 30 days. Boom! Tabasco sauce, the first major commercial hot sauce, was born. Please note the ties to the class-rising, multi-chance American dream of finding passion in unconventional places between the hardscrabble lines of life in our free-market democracy. Paul McIlhenny, the 6th in a line of McIlhenny company presidents and Avery Island residents, runs the company today. But beyond the mild heat and tangy flavor lies the secret of its success: unmatched longevity and drive to be the best...perhaps it isn't the hottest or best tasting, but it's everywhere and it worked hard to get there. It's the story of so many American business juggernauts: a website designed to look young, fresh, and like a vibrant concert also contains a long section about the antiquated tradition and steadfast adherence to unchanging recipes and business values. Like Coca Cola, Tabasco pioneered an entire food industry and has reinvented itself again and again to change with the times. They build their image in the long shadow of their own American mystique: a family with dreams, land to cultivate, and traditional beliefs. Most importantly, Tabasco is everywhere. Like any die-hard capitalist company, Tabasco slaps their name and product any and everywhere, as a great way to learn about something is repetition, repetition, repetition. If you're reading this site, you have probably eaten Tabasco sauce.

Good Hurts: It's actually spicier than you might assume. Even the most cynical and stone-hearted of pepper freaks can dump gallons of the sauce on a single bite of food and get a back-of-the-throat heat. This humble editor must admit that the main reason for this review is a Christmas with my girlfriend's mom, who doesn't keep any hot sauce in the house. Yet my heart grew three sizes when I poured a generous puddle onto a single corn chip and could feel the burn I've nursed in my mortal mouth since I founded this site. Is it as hot as the killer world of death running the hot sauce niche today? No way. But it is a hot sauce! There IS a heat.

Flavor: Tabasco is really tangy. I actually think that its flavor has a lot in common with its place in the legendary lore of American foods. The proud USA is still a tad over 230 years old, having split from the Brits who colonized our country. Notice that those Brits can't get enough of vinegar and salty foods...from Fish n' Chips to Marmite and Vegemite,  salt and vinegar go hand and hand. Here in the USA, McIlhenny developed a sauce down south with a comparable vinegar tang that pairs well with the mild sweetness of cayanne pepper and fresh Avery Island salt. While the image and ubiqitousness have huge hands in the Tabasco brand, flavor--and ties to down-home Louisiana, Southern spice, and stringent, painstaking hand-crafted tenderness--is just as important. This is America's loud answer to salty foods across the pond: tangy zings and spicy exclamation points, even if they aren't hot enough for true hot freaks.

Availability: This is probably the first and only time I'll ever say this: This sauce is available everywhere. Grocery stores. Gourmets. Gas Stations. Restaurants (I've even seen it in some dumpy Chinese joints). This sauce is literally everywhere. The hot sauce world's answer to Coca-Cola is cheap and easy. They even developed their own little hierarchy of various flavors and online-exclusive "special reserves." Because Tabasco is older than any person on Earth and has been successful for longer than most political regimes are in place, their name will always lend itself well to the masses. According to their website, "Tabasco" is a word of "Mexican Indian origin believed to mean 'place where the soil is humid' or 'place of the coral or oyster shell.'" For many, "Tabasco" means "hot sauce."

Good for: Tabasco originated something I think is a brilliant concept: it says that it's good on everything and actually lists all the foods it's good for. Pizza, salads, eggs, subs, steak, chili...the list goes on and on. You can even download recipes using the sauce onto your ipod. Topical! As a card-carrying spice beast, I have to say that this sauce is remarkably good for everything because of its generalist nature; not too hot, not too tangy, not too salty, not too sweet. I prefer to diversify, adding different hot sauces to different foods, but I would never turn down the salty zing of Tabasco on my eggs. This sauce is made for regular Americans by not-so-regular Americans working and living on Avery Island who'd probably like you to believe they're down-home folks just like yourself. They are actually factory workers and CEOs.

Review:
Heat: *3/4
Flavor: **3/4
My Review: 5.5

As a poet, I can compare Tabasco hot sauce to Walt Whitman. I hated him growing up! I hated him as a poet obsessed with the avant-garde! But as I matured as a man, I began to understand the significance of Whitman's place in poetry. His "collective consciousness" and lesson-like stream of realizations was instrumental in the development of the poet's creative, off-the-cuff comprehension and analytical approach to writing and the world. Tabasco's collective consciousness appeals to the little part of EVERYONE that loves spice, but some of our little parts are actually pretty big.

Merry Christmas from Good Hurts!

Love, the Good Hurts editorial team: Russell (content writer, editor, spice-eater, sauce-aficionado) and Becky (video editor, stock footage master)!

Nando's Chickenland Hot Peri-Peri Sauce (and some others): Savor the flavor that outweighs the sauce

I'm a big Twin Peaks fan. I was hooked from the very intro to the first episode, when Pete Martell, a fisherman, finds the washed up body of well known Twin Peaks high school student, prom queen, and mystery-woman extraordinaire Laura Palmer washed up on the beach wrapped in plastic in the small (fictional) Washington town the show is named for.

What's the significance? That lifeless body leads into a world of mystery, murder, motives, and the metaphysical like you wouldn't believe.
What's the point of this? Nando's Chickenland sauces remind me of Twin Peaks, in a way. A huge box of sauce arrived at the top-secret Good Hurts hot sauce cavern miles beneath the Earth's crust. Inside was Nando's Hot Peri-Peri Sauce (regular and Garlic flavor) and a slew of cooking sauces. Is Nando's Chickenland Hot Peri-Peri Sauce culinary murder? No, but it's the weakest sauce in a box of delicious flavors. Take or leave the hot sauce; Nando's has some die-hard followers, but their cooking sauces might just be worth the hype.

Let's look at the facts: Nando's is a huge mega-company with over 700 locations worldwide. Look at some of these locations. Unless you have the internet, you probably won't find too many restaurants selling their hot sauces in Cyprus or Botswana. However, they only have 2 restaurants here in the land of the free. They have a die-hard fan base in the UK; after reading over some reviews on Amazon, I wasn't surprised. The hot sauce is very salty, but their cooking sauces are sweet and robust, flavorful and the perfect accentuation to various foods. I'll talk about some of them along with the review of the first hot sauce!

Good Hurts: This sauce is not very hot, plain and simple. It has a very slight tangy spice to it. Like many low-heat hot sauces, it kind of rolls around in your throat. There are some little chunks of peri-peri peppers, African birds eyes peppers valued for their spice and delicious flavor. I think that heat is a bit lost in the thickness of the sauce; the other sauces I got, cooking sauces, aren't hot at all. These are sauces meant for savoring flavor and cooking with.

Flavor: I think, again, the flavor of this hot sauce is a little too salty. I think it tastes a little chalky, but not inedible. It reminds me of some Trappey's sauces. Before I get into that, however, let me introduce this new friend:

This Sun-Dried Tomato and Basil marinade tastes like a rich, slightly spicy pizza sauce. It's the best thing in the world for pasta and salads. Astoundingly, this sauce made of African ingredients is ideal for Italian food. Now, please direct your attention to this brand new pal:

This is the Roasted Reds Cooking Sauce, which is its own unique meal for the whole family (or just me). Cut up some veggies, cook some rice, and enjoy the heat and flavor of this roasted red pepper amalgam. It's a delicious mix of naturally smooth red peppers and a mild heat. This sauce could take the place of a curry or an Indian/Chinese food sauce; it's the kind of thing that, with the right meats and veggies, could really make a meal. I mean, it's called Chickenland...add some chicken!
Am I trying to swerve away from the hot sauce? Not really. I just think it's really important to say that while I don't like the hot sauce enough to gush about it, I think their cooking sauces are really, really amazing and must-buys for any do-it-yourself chef!


Availability: Warning: DO NOT view this website if you can't handle loads of animation or you're really, really high on drugs. Nando's makes a hot sauce that might not be above the cusp, but their cooking sauces are really, really incredible. If you're an international Good Hurts reader, look up your nearest Nando's locale. If you're in NY or Washington DC, you can probably find a restaurant around somewhere. For the rest of us, the website will have to do as the global takeover silently envelops our homes like the blankets of snow effortlessly tumbling down on this Iowa City hot sauce reviewer's home.

Good for: I think this hot sauce has the Brits excited because it's salty; they seem to like salty stuff over there. I don't think it's flavorful or hot enough to really go far here. The Sun-Dried Tomato and Basil Marinade would go great on Chicken, salad, or pasta. I might even put some on steak or fish. The Roasted Reds cooking sauce is ideal if you're a big fan of Earthy, down-home bell pepper flavor stir frys filled with chicken and veggies.

Review(s)
Nando's Chickenland Hot Peri-Peri Sauce:
Heat: *
Flavor: *
My Review: 4.0


I'm not reviewing the cooking sauces as hot sauce, BUT:
Sun-Dried Tomato and Basil Marinade:
My Review: 8.1


Roasted Reds Cooking Sauce:
My Review: 8.9

The hot sauce has some die-hard fans, but this reviewers says that the cooking sauces are really what's special.

Peppermaster Pepper Fire: Third sauce not necessarily the charm

The Peppermaster's third sauce in the trifecta of delicious gourmet sauces I'll be reviewing is the weakest of the three, but still a damn good sauce, first of all.  Don't be fooled by the "fusion" label; the one I have is called Pepper Fire. Simple name, but surprisingly the least simple sauce of the three.

Let's look at the facts: There IS a hot sauce universe, and, of course, it's filled with nebulous galaxies. One galaxy is the realm of the Peppermaster, filled with exotic planets and asteroids of goat pepper goodness. If the master himself is at the center, I think of Babysauce as the closest planet in orbit, sweet and warm. I'd call the far-east inspired Curry Fire far out in orbit, filled with a sharper spice and unique flavor. In the middle is Pepper Fire. It's not quite sweet, not quiet savory...it's more garlicy. Not very spicy, but more garlic-spiced. It seems like garlic has overwhelmed some of the ingredients, but what you get is still yummy and definitely worth eating.

Good Hurts: It has a more unique type of spice than its bigger and littler brothers. The Curry Spice hits you right away and lingers; the Babysauce trickles in and stays with you. This sauce builds up over a few bites, stings, and fades quickly. It reminds me of the kind of spice garlic gives you if you eat a clove (or 10, like I like to). A lot the ingredients are exciting, but they get a bit in the way of the fresh heat of a goat pepper.

Flavor: Exciting is the right word, and I already said that. But just look at the bottle: pineapple. Fresh lime juice. Molasses! That should be really exciting right there, but it's all just a little lost in the galactic churn of the garlic. The slow drawl of the molasses, combined with the lime juice, sort of tastes like a more savory cola flavor. This isn't a bad thing...just less sweet and robust and more salty and garlicy. 

Availability: Same as the last two. Here's the site. You know what to do. I'll leave you to it.

Good for: I think, like the Key West Lime hot sauce I good hurt-ed earlier, this would make a solid marinade for beef or chicken. The little tiny bit of sweet, garlic, and sort of salty cola notes would go really well with the smoke of a summer grill and your favorite meat. I think it's a little to heavy for just chips, and might overpower a lot of salsas. A little garlic, after all, goes a long way.

My Review:
Heat: *3/4
Flavor: ***
My Review: 7.0/10

Not the best of the three sauces, but definitely worth eating, buying, and snuggling up with during any season, on any planet.

SNOWED IN

JPGfun.com

Peppermaster Mango Fire: Babysauce

Another near-instant classic by Quebec's Peppermaster Greg Brooks, but in a starkly different way. Does this sweet (sweet, sweet, sweet) sauce measure up to its Indian counterpart, Curry Fire?


Let's look at the facts: You already know everything you need to know about Peppermaster foods and their amazing ability to create some of the best, most flavorful sauces out there. Their website paints an interesting picture:
Finally, the all-natural table topper you've been waiting for: Mango Table Topper is the perfect condiment for the kitchen or restaurant table: Stable enough to not require refrigeration. You'll never go back to that other brand. Designed by the Peppermaster to deliver crisp heat and refined fresh flavours that enhance many global dishes. This is real pepper!
 Table Topper? Never go back to that hot sauce? The throws of spice addiction are thick as lasso ropes...I doubt any pepperhead would ditch their regular sauce for what I have christened "Babysauce." But it IS an interesting take on a fruit hot sauce, and it's remarkably good!

This is a cute baby. Say hello. In the world of hot sauce, it's Peppermaster Mango Fire. Why? Let's look at the facts: Babies are cute. Babies are sweet and silly. Babies are innocent. Babies are little bundles of joy that are blissfully, wonderfully unaware of the cold, harsh, vicious world around them that they'll grow into. Why, it's just like Mango Fire! Outrageously sweet, a tiny bit spicy (as if still learning), and unaware of the painful world of hot sauce it has, through no fault of its own, entered.

I also think "Babysauce" sounds better than "baby sauce."

Good hurts: Babysauce is not the wimpiest sauce out there; in fact, it's hotter than Cholula and pretty much any Tabasco-style sauce commercially available. It's burn is a low murmer; it's like a baby version of a serious hot sauce. It will give you a lil' tongue tingle, but the teeny-tiny heat is probably pretty serious for novice spice eaters. Again, Peppermaster is rockin' the goat peppers, but not to the extent of the Curry or Pepper Fire sauces. 

Flavor: I'm a big fan of the American version of "The Office." There's an episode where Michael (Steve Carrell's doddering, incompetent boss role) waits in line to get a hot pretzel and ends up getting the works: 18 different sugary toppings, from crushed peppermint to caramel drizzle to sprinkles to powdered sugar. Babysauce works on a similar principle: cane sugar, mango, pineapple, citric acid and lime juice. Also, sea salt, habanero peppers, and onions stand like wallflowers around the sugary dance floor. Amazingly, this sauce has 1 gram of sugar per serving! It's a Christmas miracle for sure. Babysauce tastes just like the yellow/orange sweet n' sour sauce at many Chinese restaurants, but it has a well-rounded halo of spice that follows each bite. It's also really, really syrupy, so be careful when pouring. One unifying factor I can think of that keeps everything on Earth connected is sugar. Animals love it. People love it. Plants...well, they make it, so they probably love it too. Everything loves sugar, including me. So by default, I love this sauce. I found half the bottle gone almost immediately, and my face and hands dyed a mysterious orange color.


Availability: What I said about Curry Fire applies here...go ahead and order it from their site.

Good for: Like the Cheech Mango, this sugary delight is good for fruit salsas, fish, rice, and livening up Chinese food or sweet meats. Mango is a remarkable fruit, sweet and juicy, and the slight hint of sea salt makes it more utilitarian. I really recommend taking whatever prior knowledge you have culinary use of mangoes and expanding it to this hot sauce.

Review:
Heat: **
Flavor: ****1/2
My Review: 8.6/10

Babysauce isn't for everyone. In fact, this review may be controversial for some hot freaks. But I stand by the fact that sweet n' savory goes a long way, so grab your babydaddy and down a bottle of Babysauce right now.

Peppermaster Curry Fire: One of the best from unsuspecting Quebec.

When I think hot sauce, a few places come to mind: the spice-crazy Caribbean  islands; the "spice belt" of Southwestern American states filled with hardcore hotheads; the downright satanic levels of spice rockin' India. Yet in a little place called Quebec, north of the USA and just south of the brutal Canadian tundra, there is some of the best, must-eat hot sauce any hot freak must know about. For the next three days, I'll be examining three humble gourmet sauces from Peppermaster foods.

Let's look at the facts: Memorize this face:

 THIS is the intimidating smile of a true pepper master! This is the hat of a flavor expert! This is a hot sauce maker who speaks at least two languages!
Peppermaster foods, the brainchild of Greg Brooks, has been cranking out goatpepper hot sauces since 2003. Besides being the executive chef of Apple Tree Landing Restaurant, Greg is a fire expert who grew up in the jungles the Bahamas and acquired a taste for searing spice and top-notch flavor. Goat peppers, habanero cultivars, are the central point of Curry Fire sauce. What a sauce it is! Full of spice and flavor...AND the reverse side of the bottle is in French (or should that be the reverse side is in English?)! Unique and delicious is a great combination.
  
Good Hurts: The tropical goat pepper lets loose a throat tickling, mouth busting burn. It's almost the perfect level of heat: hot enough for even jaded chili-brains, but tasty enough to completely change (most likely for the better) a meal. This sauce, though Canadian, is rife with the essence of India: curry spices mesh perfectly with the hot peppers into a thick, rich sauce. It won't kill you; it's slightly less hot than the habanero/ghost pepper organic sauce division, but it certainly will knock you around as spice builds bite after bite. The best part about it is the lingering, sharp spice that other hot sauces can't keep alive for long enough.

Flavor: It's a welcome (and needed) addition to the acidic and vinegar-y world of hot sauce. Rich, sweet-hot Indian spices, sugar, onion, ginger, thyme, guar gum (for thickness), and fresh hot peppers come together masterfully. Imagine the aromatic sweetness of creamy, fresh yellow curry, filled with savory, juicy veggies. Somehow, Brooks has crammed that flavor into a hot sauce using fresh, fair-trade ingredients. It's so unique and so simple: the perfect one-two punch.

Availability: This sauce is, according to the website, available commercially in the US and Canada. You can order it from their home page, obviously, as well. Where it's located is something I just can't answer; haven't seen it anywhere. They use the same (fun looking) label for their sauces, so make sure you read and make sure you're getting the right sauce! However, it needs to be mentioned that they will make special hot sauces for you! Design the label and name, and all they do (!) is make it for you! It's a good idea for promotional gifts and fun personalized stuff.

Good for: This amazing sauce is a must have for Indian food, rice, naan, and can add an Eastern kick to pretty much anything delicious: chili, salads...yes, I have put some on hot dogs. Think Indian chili dogs: kidney beans, onions, spicy mustard, and thick helpings of this sauce! The sky is the limit for such a unique-yet-versatile mastery of yellow curry.


Review:
Heat: ***3/4
Flavor: *****
My Review: 9.8/10

It's the holidays. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Diwali, or just want to tip your straw hat to the Peppermaster, order this sauce. I'm not gettin' paid from them...I'm just a hot freak who loves a great hot sauce. Don't delay: order it now!

Good Hurts heats up MySpace!

Yes, nearly a decade after MySpace became really popular, Good Hurts has caught up!
Check out the XXXXXtra hot MySpace page:
http://www.myspace.com/511079361

Of course, add us as your super pals, and invite us over for the Holidays. We'll bring the sauce. You print out the fancy invitations.

Green Bandit Basil Serrano: Secret Sauce for Surprising Snacks

Good Hurts is the name of the site, but real good hurts include anything that hurts good. As an English teacher, my natural instinct not to explore the definition using the same terms reversed, but it's just plain true. Good Hurts, however, dedicates itself to the taste-oriented world of "good." No, you won't see any good hurts on this site like getting pleasure out of a vicious spanking, but you WILL see a wider variety of hot, spicy, and painful treats beyond the average hot sauces we've come to know and accept.
Green Bandit's Basil Serrano hot sauce is, well, a sauce that's hot. But is it a hot sauce as we've come to define hot sauces? This bizarre sauce lurks in secret shadows behind your taste buds like the no-good varmint on the label. But is it worth challenging to a duel?


Let's look at the facts: Made in sunny Fairfield, NJ, Green Bandit Basil Serrano is proudly "stolen from a secret family recipe." The bottle even includes a fun story about how the hot sauce artisan's dad earned the nickname "Raging Abe" because he stole his hot sauce recipe. Then he asks, "can I come home now, dad? Be creative and try it on everything!" Choice words...less so about furious father everywhere and more so about trying this sauce on everything. How right he is!

Good hurts: For formatting sakes, I'll put this first and THEN flavor. But flavor really comes before everything here. Yes, it's hot. It doesn't have the kind of lingering kick or burn that most hot sauces have, though, even though it uses habanero peppers; the Serrano pepper is a lot more full-bodied and juicy than a habanero, and gives you more of a fresh sting than a long tongue scorching burn. This sauce is all about the kick it has. Not a big one, but more than you'd find in a typical dressing or vinaigrette, which this sauce resembles.

Flavor: This sauce is two things: weird as the wild west and delicious.
It's weird because it's a green sauce, which means it's filled with all kinds of herbs and spices and is usually pretty good for vegetables. However, apple cider vinegar, serrano peppers, lemon juice, olive oil, and the all-important basil are a lot of acidic flavors you won't find in most hot sauces. The ginger hints are subtly significant, and you may find yourself licking your fingers after consuming. This thin, basil-chunked sauce feels light and tangy, which leads to point number two: it's interesting blend of zesty, garden fresh flavor makes it able to go places other hot sauces can't. Unless you're a total hot freakomatic, you aren't going to put Dave's on salads or pesto pasta. Yet Green Bandit can sneak into unsuspecting, surprising foods. This "hot sauce" is a lot more like a spicy salad dressing or vinaigrette. It might belong more in your condiment section of the fridge or spice rack than hot sauce collection!


Availability: Like I've found with most hot sauces on Good Hurts, it's easy to find on the internet and available in hot sauce stores. However, I say to you: demand this sauce! Grocery stores would be remiss for not acknowledging a hot sauce with the power to blast a salad and fresh veggies (or even more acidic fruits!)

Good for: This is the first sauce I've eaten that I think is designed with salads in mind. Whether it's simple greens, tuna, chicken (or chicken salad), or tortilla, I think this tart sauce is meant to accompany savory greens and lighty sweet fruits. It won't leave you rolling on the floor burning, but will add an emphatic kick to your healthier meals.

Review:
Heat: **
Flavor: ****
My Review: 7/8/10

This unique sauce isn't quite versatile enough to pour on chips or burritos...and it's a bit on the watery side. It is, however, unconventional, bold, and brave. And it's a very good (light) hurt.

Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve: A reserve for the rest of us

Ah, yes. The world of "reserves." Whether it's music, booze, gourmet foods, or anything, really, when you slap "reserve" on it, it just gives it that special tingle of joining a secret club or being told a really juicy secret. Hot sauce companies know all about double secret reverse special reserves. Dave's, Blair's, and some of the biggest and baddest companies out there make special reserves, promising outrageous levels of spice and even more outrageous prices. Even Tabasco got in on the reserve action, selling hyper-pricey bottles of their special "Avery Island" reserve sauce.  Melinda's Hot Sauce, run by the Figueroa Brothers, have tossed their hat into the not-enough-for-everyone-only-those-with-a-big-wad-of-bills game, making a reserve that's bountiful enough for everyone!

Let's look at the facts: Their website claims: From time to time, optimal growing conditions can produce Habanero crops that yield extremely fiery chiles, Melinda's ages these select chiles to make our new XXXXtra Hot Reserve. It is made with the same fine ingredients present in our famous Original Habanero Recipe. This is the hottest Melinda's. Limited Quantities available. Luckily for us, the growing conditions were just right to get plenty out to gourmet stores and in massive quantities online! Sow hat makes it a reserve sauce? Here's my checklist:

 -Special gold emblem proclaiming the hot sauce's "Special Reserve" status and year (a la fine wine [2009])? Check.

-All aboard the natural foods bandwagon? Check.

-Party stopper*? Check.

*I call this devilish contraption a "party stopper." It's a little plastic ring you put over your hot sauce bottle to prevent people from pouring out too much. In fact, it adds a twinge of restrictive elitism; this stopper prevents the buying from pouring out too much sauce at once, subtly enforcing the idea that the sauce is so hot and special that you only need a little. For true pepperheads, this is the equivalent of a palsy one-slice limit at a great pizza party.

Good Hurts: It's got a good, solid habanero burn. Probably too much for the average person, but hey, this sauce is RESERVE! Only the golden may touch the spice. Honestly, it's a solid heat that will do you proud on food and lingering on your tongue, bite after bite. Habaneros are obviously (if you read this site as much as I hope you do) a reoccurring theme in hot sauce, naturally hot as hell and dependable for heat.

Flavor: The best part of this reserve sauce, special or no, is the fact that it uses all natural ingredients and vegetables as its base. No coloring, no science-gums; nothing but carrots, onions, lime juice, garlic, and the usual suspects: vinegar and peppers. You can really taste the carrots and salty garlic. There are hot habanero (and ghost pepper sauces) with less ingredients that taste even better, however. As far as regular people go, this sauce really is something special. The acid and veggies work together here well enough for everyone.

Availability: I'm a huge pro wrestling fan, so work with me, if you will. The WWE has three separate shows with three seperate rosters: Raw, Smackdown, and ECW.  Raw and Smackdown have the biggest stars, the top belts, and the most exposure. ECW is on Syfy, the former Science Fiction channel, and has the smallest amount of viewers. It also has its own title, which is really cool, but less exposed and prestigious than the WWE or World Heavyweight titles on Raw and Smackdown, respectively. Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve is the ECW title of reserve hot sauce. It tastes good, has a solid heat, and is available in gourmet and specialty grocery stores. Blair's 3 AM and Dave's Special Reserve are REALLY expensive and hard to find, but deadly hot. This is a special reserve, but cheap and easy to find in many places.

Good on: The flavor is a little too veggie-heavy and garlicy, I think, for a lot of different cuisines. Mexican is a must, and salsa-livening is suggested. Basically, if it's a standard item you'd put hot sauce on, Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve is for you.

My Review:

Heat: ***3/4

Flavor: ***1/2

My Review: 7.6/10

For a reserve for the rest, don't shy away from Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve, the hottest of the Melinda's brand.

"Meanie Sauce: A Taste to Fear": Far from the Main Event

Alright, alright...I know I said I wouldn't review more Louisiana style hot sauce, filled to capacity with vinegar and tabasco peppers, but this hot sauce couldn't escape my radar. As a die-hard professional wrestling fan, I couldn't resist something featuring ECW original Blue Meanie. And as a lover of all things hot, I had to see if this habanero-based sauce could push the paradigm of generic Louisiana sauce into a new arena. Does it soar to the Main Event? Or will it remain a novelty curtain jerker in a world of hardcore hot sauce?

Let's Look at the Facts: Brian Heffron, AKA The Blue Meanie, is a comedy wrestler known for his chunky white frame, cut-off t shirts, bright blue hair and beard, and drawn-on thick glasses.

Who wouldn't trust this man to decide what they put in their bodies? He moonsaulted (top rope backflip) from the dingy, overcrowded tiny venues of Extreme Championship Wrestling to the mega-arenas of the then-WWF throughout the mid to late 90s. The 2000s were a little slower for the Meanie in the ring, as he bounded back for cameo appearances in the dying ECW and then briefly back to WWE. However, the 90s saw Meanie venture into the hot sauce world...or at least his likeness did. Released by Hot Sauce Factory, this sauce has the simplicity and novelty to make it worth trying, but the tired convention to count it out from the great match of flavor.


Good Hurts: Because this sauce uses hanaberos, you can be sure it edges out most watery red sauces in terms of heat. For hot freaks, it's too little. For the rest, it's a decent level of spiky heat that will trump a regular Louisiana sauce any day of the week.


Flavor: The habanero has an odd sweetness, but you won't taste it here. The garlic and salt are pretty much all you can taste. It's also quite watery, and they've added vegetable gum to sort of thicken it up, but without it it would be a little glass bottle o' water. Is it a taste to fear? If you have a problem with a big cup of ocean water and some slightly-off tasting garlic, then yes, it is a taste to fear. It honestly isn't awful. I wouldn't blame the Meanie for this one...I would blame the world of Louisiana novelty sauces that are easy to make and even easier to slap a picture on. Hot freaks know to maneuver around these sauces, and you should, too.

Availability: Relatively obscure. Lots of websites have it, and any novelty hot sauce store will, too. Don't be afraid to step in the ring with Hot Sauce Factory to order it right from the maker, either.

Good for: As with most sauces like this, I say dump it liberally on subs and pizza. If you like drowning your food in this type of sauce, you can kick up the spice with a hint of garlic right here. I usually dump some in a pot of chili, usually. Usually. That's the thing...the overall "usual" nature of this sauce is just a little to "eh" for someone like the ECW original, the Blue Meanie.

Review:
Heat: **3/4
Flavor: **
My Review: 3.7/10

Unless you're a member of the Blue World Order, an ECW die hard looking for all things hardcore, or a member of the Meanie's immediate family, I say avoid giving your taste buds a pinfall or submission loss to this disappointing sauce.

Good Hurts Video Kaboom: Trip to Atomic Blast Sauces

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy a spicy holiday with Russell and The Godfather!

Two Flaming Arrows Hot Sauce: All American, All Natural!

The immortal question posited by legendary rock band The Shaggs was "who are parents?" In their case, "parents are the ones who really care." But in my case, parents are the ones who bring you back fresh, all-natural hot sauce from their trip to New Mexico. The bottle says that it's for BRAVE people, but it is brave enough to run the Good Hurts gauntlet and survive?


Let's look at the facts: Made by Navajo run Nizhoni Keyah, Inc foods (and just in time for Thanksgiving!-Russell), Two Flaming Arrows prides itself on its bold Southwest roots, images, and flavors.
Their website drops you right into its rich depiction of its territory:

Imagine a vast expanse of desert terrain, where yucca, cedar, and cottonwood trees dot the

deep red sedimentary rock and golden multi-colored sandstone mesas stand in deep contrast

against the sky.

That is exactly where you are when you take a taste of "PFS" Salsa & Sauces for our Food

products are traditionally inspired and uniquely Southwest!

Like many of our favorite hot sauces, one company owns another, which owns another, etc. PFS stands for Pueblo Food Specialties, a special branch of Nizhoni Keyah dedicated to the best in the Southwest: salsa and the hot stuff.


Good Hurts: Forget Custer, trade whiskey, and man-eating cacti. What would the Southwest be without its legendary spice? This is a really great hot sauce for the above average man. While it's an average heat for real hot freaks, it leaves a lingering, lip tingling heat that will never disappoint. The magic lies in the combination of vibrant red chili powder, pequin peppers (a must for Mexican picante hot sauces), and habanero powder. But the real place the arrows nail the target is on flavor.

Flavor: Ah, yes. For a flavor as bright and thick as Adobe walls, you can't miss this New Mexico must. Orange juice, flavorful cayenne peppers, honey, tomato, and garlic leave you with a traditional garden-of-vegetable sauce without the kidney punching saltiness of too much vinegar. Best of all, the ingredients are fresh and delicious. It's a well-rounded tomato flavor, sort of like a (Southwest) chili, which overpowers some of those sweeter ingredients. Don't be expecting a tropical fruity blast (or small explosion) in this one.


Availability: Their website humbly requests that you "Give the Gift of the First Americans." However, just because it's Thanksgiving doesn't mean this sauce will ever be out of season. This sauce is New Mexican made, proudly, and is available throughout hot sauce emporiums in the state. Of course, their website has plenty for the rest of us.


Good for: One thing about this sauce is that it's proud of the fact that it won't tear a hole in your stomach or remove industrial driveway stains (oooh, burn, Dave's!), but this sauce is really good for snack foods and, in this reviewer's opinion, chicken salads, burritos, chili rellenos, and other flavorful Mexican dishes. If you have some New Mexican food handy, you better marry it to some New Mexican authentic goodness.


Review:
Heat: **1/2
Flavor: ***3/4
My Review: 8.7

This is a really great American sauce that is made my Braves, claims to be for the brave, and bravely stands behind its natural flavor and pleasant heat. This is for sure a New Mexican treat.

Cheech Mojo Mango Habanero Hot Sauce: Up in Sweet

Richard "Cheech" Marin made a name for himself with his stoney comedy and pie-faced, grunting Mexican immigrant character, but has long since traded his rolling papers and doobie truck for the expensive rustle of Hollywood TV scripts and the comforts of the golf cart. The omnipresent, clef-lipped face of Hispanic stoner humor has plastered it on this Costa Rican (!) hot sauce, but is it worth the association? This hot sauce reviewer says yes, but don't get too excited about a knock-your-socks-off hot sauce. This is way more sweet than heat.

Let's look at the facts: Who are the mysterious Figueroa Brothers (Inc.)? What do they want? And what is with their corporate-speak laden website, filled with smiling faces, easy-on-the-eyes colors, and dozens of hot sauces distributed from their Dallas, TX HQ?
Greg P. Figueroa, CEO, and David O. Figueroa, Jr. are two men with big, big dreams: while this hot sauce is (overall) tasty and enjoyable, their website provides insight for a deep rabbit hole...these men may very well be the ones to introduce the fiery habanero pepper to mainstream American mouths. This novelty hot sauce from Costa Rica bears a Cheech Marin likeness, but lacks the smoked-out hempy flavor it's namesake probably tastes like. Like the Figueroa Brothers' master plan of top-level hot sauce contendership (they're basically already there), this sauce is accessible but could push their proud habanero a bit more.

Good Hurts: This hot sauce has a little bit of a spike to each bite based on the habanero flakes and flavor in each bottle. However, that heat dissipates fast because the sauce is thick and sweet, quickly bursting with a citrus syrup and overwhelming the hots. For regular folks, this hot sauce might do the trick if they're in the mood for a hot sauce devoid of any salt or vinegar, but for seasoned hot sauce vets, this mango sauce might not be worth the the trip beyond Cheech's smiling face on the outside of the bottle.

Flavor: A thick syrup, this yellow sauce has the fantastic aroma of ripe mangos and sweet habanero chilies. The lack of salt flavor is a welcome edition to the hot sauce world, but the carrots, onion, and tomato paste that the ingredients mention are all but vanished against the slow, thick wall of lemon and citrus. The flavor, like a sweet chewing gum, is quick and intense but vanishes fairly quickly. An interesting sauce for sure, but it's sweetness might be a bit overpowering for some traditional hot sauce welcoming foods.

Availability: While this gimmicked sauce is easy to find online, it's really walking into precarious territory. It's made, undoubtedly, for fans of Cheech and Chong and their oft-hilarious munchies. It's not a necessity for anyone; the Figueroa Brothers know that, too. Melinda's is their main breadwinner, more easily available, and less goofy.

Good for: This sauce might not mesh well with beef tacos or burritos, and definately not anything with a rich tomato or cream sauce. This is the kind of sauce that clashes with other sauces...imagine putting sweet n' sour sauce a burrito suizo covered in cheese and tomato sauce. It's designed for munchies, perhaps, but that doesn't mean normals can't enjoy it too. Fresh fruit salsa would welcome this mango sauce, as would fish dishes and salads. Be ready for a mango mission if you want to eat this sauce.

Review:
Heat: **

Flavor:***3/4
My Review: 7.5/10

The Figueroa Brothers understand that when it comes to hot sauce distribution, many fingers in many pies means more flavors for more hot freaks. This sauce might be novelty in spirit, but the Texas brothers understand to that build a great hot sauce empire, you need foot soldiers in every nook and cranny of the battlefield.